Category Archives: Featured

SEVENTEEN HUNDRED AND SIXTY SIX WORDS

I haven’t been publishing for a while.

Almost six months.

The reasons are layered, and I’m not quite sure where to begin.

I guess the most important reason is that I’ve been busy living my life, rather than documenting it. I’m taking a little break from documenting my life for now. For me personally, I have felt as though it’s important to disappear every now and again. To re-focus, and re-group.

When I was married to my ex-husband, I used to travel all the time. My ex would spend a lot of time taking photos of our travels. I found that a lot of time was spent documenting the journey, rather than actually experiencing it. Not only do you miss it, but pictures poorly translate the essence of what you’re really trying to capture. Particularly when you are wanting to portray a particular image. Anyone who has ever attempted to photograph a huge rising full moon will know this.

In todays world, we spend so much time taking and editing pictures so they are perfect. So we can send those pictures out into the digital world for approval.

I am not immune to this.

I edit pictures to hide my flaws. I enhance the brightness. Adjust contrast. The highlights. At times I sharpen the image. I do all that bullshit. Because I want to create and portray the best image possible. And it’s all relatively harmless. No one wants to be seen looking anything but their best. But does it ever tell the whole story?

No way.

More on that later…

I am happier now than I have been in forever. Which is why I have chosen to become a little bit of an phantom of late. I am getting to know this new person that I have become. Not only is it taking some time, but I am also loving living this time I have created. And it’s time that I have chosen to take in private. I am very different to the person that I was a few years ago. And I think that’s a good thing. A great thing in fact. But what’s most important right now is making sure I’m busy taking it all in, and being present for the memories that I’m creating. And I’m quietly floating about, planning my next move.

Someone asked me the other day if I feel the happiest I’ve ever been.

I wasn’t entirely sure how to answer the question as honestly as I possibly could.

My immediate answer was “yes”. Because I am.

I then went on to elaborate, as my “yes” is also layered.

I said that I felt like I finally know who I am. I told her that I have often wondered if I feel most comfortable with myself on account of actually just being pretty tired, and that the effort that it takes to care about stupid shit – just isn’t worth it.

I also expressed that what has made me really happy, is finally being in control of my own life. Of being able to choose who I want to surround myself with. That I am heard. That my choices are respected, and are valid, and that I am valued. That I’m free to be me.

I believe freedom, and the ability to choose, is what happiness is. And that freedom of choice is something that needs to be respected.

Which brings me to my second reason for taking a break from publishing.

FEAR.

A strong motivating force.

I have been afraid to publish in fear of my words being twisted. And that fear has paralysed me to the point where I just want to disappear and to be left alone.

Now let me explain a little bit more, without going into too much detail.

About six months ago, I had an honest conversation with a family member about the way I felt about a decision that they had made, and I asked if I had done anything wrong. And boy, was I unprepared for, and totally clueless about the festering can of worms that was opened up as result.

I cried for a whole day at the injustice of the way I had been spoken to. At the way my life had been harshly judged, and trivialised. At the way that my life and how I choose to live it, was disregarded as though it was somehow less significant, less important, and less relevant than anyone else’s. At the way elements of the truth had been twisted and distorted to resemble something so far removed from reality, for reasons I will never comprehend. At the aggressiveness of the passive aggressiveness of silent score keeping, and grievance collecting. At the astonishing sense of entitlement. At the rage, hatred, nastiness, and viscousness of it all. At the cruel barbs, and the lack of respect and empathy for me as a human being.

Everything was out in the open now. Dripping off the sides of that proverbial table, staining the carpet, splattered across the walls, flicked up against the curtains, and stinking up the room. One huge unclean-able pile of shit.

The words of Guga Mona never spoke to me more than they did in this instance.

“Words have an immeasurable impact, they can either build or destroy, so be careful of your words.”

And I was destroyed. Completely gutted.

I wanted to run away and hide, and not allow anyone to treat me that way ever again. I wanted to curl up into a ball and make sure I protected my delicate heart, and my jangled nerves. I was really rattled.

It already took everything I thought I had in me to leave my marriage.

And this exchange took the last bit I had in me. I was spent.

So I took a break from writing.

Until three people in the last week asked me why I no longer write.

When I explained the reasons to my Aunty (one of the three that had asked), she insisted that I continue to write, and to speak my truth.

MY TRUTH.

I’ve discovered the hard way that a lot of people don’t like the truth. Because it is confronting. It exposes them. And no one likes to be vulnerable in that way.

So let’s talk photography again.

And let’s talk about “negative space” in photography.

An excerpt from the site www.photographymad.com describes it as this:

“When used properly, negative space provides a natural balance against the positive space in a scene. Getting this balance right is tricky and rather subjective, but it’s something you’ll get better at with time and practice. Mastering the use of negative space takes time. We’re so used to focusing on the main subject in a scene that it can seem strange to treat it almost as an afterthought. However, doing so will make you consider each element in your scene more carefully, leading to much stronger compositions.”

It is much easier to focus on the positives. However it means that you ignore the negatives. And those negatives don’t go away by simply ignoring them. The negatives are what help make up the whole picture. The composition is the way in which a whole or mixture is made up. The positive, AND the negative.

Some people only like to show that false, edited version of themselves. Where only the brightness, and highlights are on display, for an audience that offers up approval. They sweep the contrasting version of themselves (that we all have) under a thread-bare rug, and refuse to take a look at it. They pretend like it’s not even there. And a lot of the time, these people don’t allow anyone else to view that other side of them either. The dark side. But it’s there. It’s there.

I have made the conscious decision to not have one of those rugs in my little world. Because nothing good comes from it. And they eventually become a place that on a long enough time-line, will trip you up, and manifest in sorts of different ways. Often ugly and sometimes downright destructive ways.

I own my darkness. And I own my light.

And I want to speak when something needs to be said.

I have become intolerant to staying quiet. I can feel it gnawing away at me if I cannot express myself. If I can’t have a grown up, sometimes uncomfortable conversation, then what’s the point? I can’t just “keep my mouth shut” for the sake of peace. Because that’s not the path to peace believe me. “Staying quiet”’s path, has a rug on it with a big lump underneath it, that is gonna cause damage sooner or later.

And whilst it may seem as though what happened with that family member six months ago created anything but peace – it ironically did.

Because it’s all out in the open now. I now see the whole picture. There’s no more pretending, or bottling things up. I know where I stand, and it’s at a very, very safe distance. And it’s peaceful, and I’m grateful for that distance and peace, and that I don’t have to go into that space ever again.

To wrap up todays article, I guess the only advice I want to give is this…

Enjoy the moment. Take your photos. Take your videos. But take in every second of every moment, and LIVE your life instead of trying to impress people. Impress yourself.

Live your life the way you want to live it. So long as you are supporting yourself, and aren’t hurting anyone, it’s nobody else’s business how you choose to spend your time. In the same way that others live their lives the way they have chosen to live it, you too are free to live your life the way you choose. You do not need to explain or justify yourself to anyone.

Have those uncomfortable conversations. It’s your life too, and you get to speak as well. But please respect other people. And try to have compassion and empathy. We are all fucked in the head (to varying degrees of course). Me. You. Everyone.

Give yourself permission to distance yourself from relationships that are unhealthy or toxic. And forgive yourself for having enough self-love to sometimes check out of those relationships entirely. Have respect, compassion and empathy for YOU.

And most importantly, don’t allow fear to paralyse you. Do not be bullied into silence. Be brave, and tell the truth.

And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

And that’s my 1766 words.

IT’S SERIOUSLY, MAGIC…

Two years, six months, one week, and one day.

That’s how long it took to be free of my ex-husband from the day that I left him. Where I am completely disentangled, and have the ability to move forward independently.

I settled almost 2 weeks ago.

FINALLY.

When I made the decision to leave my marriage, I was totally unprepared for what lay ahead of me. In a lot of ways, I’m glad that I didn’t know how hard it would be to begin the slow and messy, and seemingly never-ending untangling of a long term relationship. And I have come to understand why so many people remain in unhappy, and toxic relationships. It’s the line of least resistance.

So I haven’t written or published anything for six months.

I chose to do this for several reasons.

One of the main reasons being that I ended up having to take my ex-husband to court.

I was so overwhelmed by the whole experience, that I chose to just take a time out and go off the radar for a while. And I felt as though it was important to conserve my energy for the sea of unknown that lay before me, in being forced into a position where court was my only option.

I had to prepare a bunch of information for the courts.

Documenting our relationship which began back in 1994, and ending in 2014. I found the process of going back in time to recount the past to be a mixed bag of different emotions. I had to provide all of the relevant information regarding investments, bank accounts, businesses, money that was gifted to me by my parents, as well as the roles that we played individually and collectively within our businesses, and in the home.

Up until the financial settlement was set in motion, my ex-husband and I were on speaking terms. However, it became apparent very quickly that this wasn’t going to be smooth sailing.

There were really shitty things going on when it came to the finances to be split. I will not go into the details, but it was evident there was definitely not going to be a fair division of assets if I didn’t fight for what was mine.

And the whole process made me really angry.

I was pissed off that I had to take it to court. I never ever wanted that.

I was furious at the amount of money that I had to spend on legal fees.

I was devastated by the deliberate dishonesty, and downright injustice of the situation. I was angry at my own naivety in thinking this would be amicable.

I was livid when the other lawyer requested that we postpone the court hearing for another 3 months time from the original date, as my ex-husband was overseas at that time and busy getting married to his new wife, and going on his honeymoon. (Yes. That seriously happened.)

I was so panic stricken on the day that I had to go to court. I thankfully had my Aunty fly down from Byron Bay to come with me as moral support, and provide me with the strength that I so desperately needed.

I sat there in the court room while the judge addressed both lawyers and a full court room, wiping my hands nervously on my dress which were dripping in sweat and trembling violently. I was fidgeting like crazy. Tucking my hair behind my ear. Wiping the sweat from my upper and lower lips. Crossing, and un-crossing my legs. Trying to remember to breath. Anything to attempt to distract myself and everyone else from the embarrassing knowledge that I was having a panic attack in front of all these people.

I prayed the whole time. To God, to Ganesh, to Kali, to the Universe, to my Grandpa – to please, please, PLEASE help me.

And then, by some sort of a miracle, God was in the room that day. He appeared in the form of my judge.

The case before mine got a hearing date of the following year to settle their divorce proceedings, as there was a huge backlog in the court system. And I was given my final hearing date for 7 months time. My judge also had a few choice words regarding my case, and for what was so plainly obvious for everyone to see. My lawyer couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be given a date this year, and let me know that just a week earlier, a case very similar to mine was given a date in 2018.

And then another miracle occurred. A few months later, my offer was finally accepted, and I settled out of court.

I had received the email one evening as I was watching TV. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was finally over. I immediately phoned my father, and I burst into tears of elation and utter joy. I was finally free.

The range of emotions I have felt over these past couple of years, are ones that have connected me to the human in me.

The woman I am today, is very different to the woman I was when I left my marriage. On so many different levels.

I had definitely lost a part of myself when I walked away.

Emotionally, I was bewildered and terrified.

Spiritually, I was completely broken. Smashed into a billion pieces, scattered all over the ground.

Physically, I was not in a good place. I was thin, and frail, and weak. And I was tired. My God was I tired.

And today, I am changed.

Today, emotionally, I am content. Blissful even. And really fucking brave. Just layered with anxiety and fragility. The constant reminder of my clumsy humanness.

Today, spiritually, I have learnt that it’s ok to be gentle with myself. And I understand that each day, I choose to gift myself peace and happiness. That it IS a choice. We totally have a choice. And that faith goes a really, really long way. And that it’s so important to continually let go. Of concepts. Of thought processes. Of anger. Of fear. Of resentment. Of wanting to be right. Of competitiveness. Of all the bad stuff that weighs you down.

Today, physically, I am no longer the scrawny 40-something kilogram woman I was back then. I have finally gained all of the weight back that I had lost. I guess you could say that I have “found myself”. At least on a physical level. I have put back all of the missing pieces. They are just rearranged a little differently now, and I see myself with a different set of eyes. Only my hair is definitely more full of greys than it was before. But I guess that means I’m wise – or so the story goes…

In the words of Kelly Cutrone, I have learnt a lot about who I am, by discovering who I am not.

And I plan on continuing to learn more about who I am, through discovering who I am not.

I am not finished. I’ll never be “finished”. I am a work in progress, and will continue to be until the day that I am no longer here. “Ever-changing and never-changing”, like my Grandfather used to say about the ocean that his home overlooked.

But the most important lesson that I have learned is that love, kindness, compassion, understanding, and respect is transformative and transcendent.

And today, I would like to dedicate the final part of this article to my fiancé.

You have changed me, and in so many ways, you have helped show me a side of myself that didn’t exist until I met you.

I have been in search of peace and happiness, thinking that it was a destination that I was travelling towards. Not realising that it was something that I have always possessed within if only I had the right tools to access it. And that sometimes it really does take another person to help guide you towards what is right there in front of you.

Your love, kindness, friendship, support, and respect is what has helped to get me to where I am today.

Thank you for being my compass, my beacon, my companion, and fixer of all things. I can’t wait to begin the next chapter of our lives together.

To my readers, please don’t stop being who you are. Be vulnerable enough to admit you are only human after all. Be brave enough to admit you have normal human emotions. Love. Anger. Humility. Regret. Elation. Pride. Insecurity. Fat Days (yes, it’s a thing). Jealousy. Sadness. Anxiety. Joy. Excitement. All of it. It’s all good.

And keep your faith.

It’s seriously, magic…

I GET IT

I am absolutely fascinated by human psychology. Why we behave the way that we do. In fact, I am often wanting to pursue it on a professional level…

I love to quietly observe people, and I feel as though I have somewhat mastered the art of being a reasonably good judge of character.

Most of the time anyway.

For my entire life, I have been told that I am “too sensitive”. But it has always been said with a negative tone.

Ahhhh…negativity. It truly has the potential to destroy you…

Only now that I am older, am I coming to understand what it’s all about.

Yes, I feel too deeply. I overthink things. I can walk into a room and pick up on all of the energy around me. I absorb everything that is taking place before me, and I have a very long memory. I remember conversations, and outfits worn whilst having these conversations. Put-downs stick painfully in my mind. I can often “predict” what is going to happen, and my intuition is razor-sharp. I am easily overwhelmed, to the point where I almost find it traumatic to watch sad or violent movies because of the “dramatic” response that it creates within me.

Some might see that as a flaw. That I am weak-minded. That I need to “toughen up”.

I however, have a different take on it all.

I recognise that it is a gift to be so hyper-aware of the world that surrounds me. If I was to consult the spiritual side of attempting to explain “why I am the way I am”, I would have to label myself as an “empath”.

I was watching a “Ted Talk” today by Helen Riess, about empathy.

What is empathy?

“Empathy is the experience of understanding another person’s condition from their perspective. The capacity to place oneself in another’s position.”

In the talk that I was watching, the speaker who is a psychiatrist, speaks about her own interest in what makes people connect with others, and what makes other people disconnect with others.

Empathy is a remarkable trait that I have personally observed in someone as young as a 6 year old child.

I recall going back almost 3 years now, where I was at my friends house. My marriage was breaking down, and I was having a very difficult time.

I sat on the steps at the front of her house, sobbing inconsolably.

Her son came and sat down next to me. He had a bag of lollies in his hand.

“Do you want one?” he innocently asked, his arm outstretched offering me one of the colourful candies in the bag he was clutching. “When I’m sad, lollies always make me feel better.” He said sincerely.

And I immediately felt better. I laughed, wiped away my tears, and took one of the lollies from the bag. Hey – whatever gets you there, right?
Back to the Ted Talk about what empathy is.

To quote this speaker, “Isn’t that what all of us want? To be seen, and heard, and to have our needs responded to? That’s the essence of empathy.”

She talks about a study that she conducted on discovering when there is empathy between people, whether their heart rates and other physiological tracers actually matched up. In other words, if it really is true that when people tell us “I feel your pain”, they actually DO feel it.

One of the patients involved in the study was a young college student who had come for help with weight loss.

Now this particular patient made progress in many other areas, except for this one.

Cut a long story short, after having monitored this patient they realised that this calm, confident, articulate woman turned out to have massive anxiety.

When they showed this patient the computer tracings of her being monitored where it essentially revealed that she was suffering from anxiety, she responded “I’m not surprised by this at all. I live with this every day. But no one has ever seen my pain.”

As this psychiatrist started to pay attention to the subtle signs that showed this level of anxiety within the patient, and she came to understand, her work went to a much deeper level. This woman “unburdened herself emotionally, and started to exercise for the first time in her life. And this woman who had only ever gained weight, and never lost weight before, went on to lose almost 50 pounds in the next year.”

This psychiatrist made it her mission to learn everything she could about the neuroscience of empathy.

She conducted a further study in a randomised control trial at a hospital where doctors where rated by their patients. These doctors were rated much higher if they were trained on “my doctor really listened to me, really showed care and compassion, treated me like a whole person, and understood my concerns”.

Which makes me want to drive home the importance of making a conscious effort to surround ourselves with those that truly see us for who we are. And not just aesthetically see us. Those who see into our souls.

All of us have a story. All of us.

We all have our trials and our secret sorrows. We all have a story. It’s what makes us unique, and it’s what helps us to connect with others. When we are unafraid of being vulnerable enough to be able to share our concerns, our thoughts, and our feelings with another, and for when it’s a safe place for us to be able to totally be ourselves.

The connection bit comes from someone possessing the gift of empathy. Not everyone has it. And know that you are not going to be able to connect with everyone who crosses your path. And that’s totally ok. Just love yourself enough to recognise that, and keep searching until you find those that you share stuff with. And that it’s totally in your best interests to be around people who “get it”. In fact, it can improve your own life immensely.

It doesn’t serve your emotional growth to be surrounded by people who negatively reinforce really fucked up belief systems within you. Because all you end up feeling like – is a total fuck-up.

To quote C.S. Lewis (the author of Alice in Wonderland):

“Friendship…is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself…”

Find those that share your joy, your sorrow, your weirdness, and keep them close to you. Because that is what empathy, and friendship is all about. It’s about understanding one another. Never lower your standards out of desperation or loneliness. You will find your tribe. You will. And it will be better than you can dream.

I end todays post with a quote from the legendary Steve Jobs.

“If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.”

YES.

imageWhen I first left my ex-husband just over 2 years ago now, after initially saying that I never wanted to be in a relationship ever again, I then went on to say that I would give myself the gift of being single for a year.

Whilst I often struggled with loneliness during that year, and I was often consumed by some very dark days, by the end of that period I had truly come to accept being single. And not only accept it, I was pretty happy.

I enjoyed doing things on my own. I enjoyed meeting new people. I enjoyed the freedom of not having to let anyone know my plans. I enjoyed taking off whenever I wanted to. I enjoyed spending a lot of my time writing, and figuring out who I am as a woman.

And at the end of that year, I finally felt whole as a person. I was complete.

And that’s when it began.

Exactly one year to the day after I ended my marriage, I met someone very special.

On Monday that just passed, I celebrated my one year anniversary with him.

And today, I want to share something very special.

On Tuesday morning, he had organised a lunch for us in which he had kept the location a secret.

I excitedly got ready that morning, fussing over what I should wear. As I do.

He got dressed in all blue, and I too decided to wear blue also.

I have become one of those couples that likes to dress in matching outfits *cue eye-rolling*.

We got into the car, and we started to head towards the northern beaches of Sydney. A place that is very special to me as I spent almost every weekend there as a child visiting my Grandparents.

As we drove further, I realised we were on my Grandparents street.

We parked, and got out of the car, where we joined hands, and walked along the reserve on the cliff at the back of my Grandparents bare block of land. The house has since been demolished, but it still holds the magic that it always did. I even strangely felt their presence.

He lead me to “the seat of knowledge”, a park bench perched high upon the cliff overlooking the beach below.

A place where my Grandfather used to sit with us, and tell us stories like grandfathers do.

We sat down, and he took my hand, retrieving a piece of paper from his pocket.

“A year ago today I woke up with you for the first time.

I remember feeling excited to have met someone who made me feel so energised, and yet also so calm. I knew you were a very special girl from the moment we first started texting. It didn’t take long to fall in love with you. Somehow I think within only a few days I knew where our relationship would go, and since then, I have never looked back.

This place.

I know this place holds a special place in your heart. I know how much you loved your grandfather and what this beautiful setting means to you.

For me, I have grown up with the ocean. It is part of me and I am part of it.
I have chosen the seat of knowledge as it represents a connection point between the ocean and the land and therefore signifies the intersecting of part of your history and part of mine, two histories that are now irreversibly bonded by love.

We have lived, travelled, talked for hours on end, survived Ikea 3 times, laughed and laughed, mostly you at me, but ultimately shared life together without material, without ego and without the need to do or to show. We have just lived, and discovered within each other that simplicity has a beauty about it that only few see.

Amy, you have made me the happiest I have ever been. It is inconceivable that 12 months ago I didn’t know you, yet now I can’t imagine what life would be like without you.

I love you so much. I would be honoured to become your husband. So for the universe’s sake please say yes.

Amy Nash. Will you marry me?”

And I am overjoyed to announce that I said yes.

Today, I want to dedicate this article to my fiancé.

So here goes:

I want to thank you for moving mountains to be with me.

You have brought me so much happiness.

You have literally brought colour into my world. Where it was once filled with beige, neutrals, lots of shades of grey, and sometimes black, it is now replaced with the most vibrant of colours.

You have allowed me to care for you, and you have cared for me more than anyone.

You have made me laugh so much. I know I laugh at you a lot. But you do really funny things.

You have never made me cry, and you’ve always been there to dry my tears when I have watched sad movies, and the finale of the “Bachelorette”.

You have filled me with a joy like no other.

You have been there to comfort, and reassure me when I have had my panic attacks. You have been there for me during hard times, and happy times.

You have been my rock, my advocate, and my unwavering constant.

You think I’m beautiful first thing in the morning. You like my messy hair, and you always tell me I don’t need to wear makeup.

You have built things for me, and helped build me up too.

We have talked and talked – mostly me talking to you, and trying to convince you that magic is real (it is by the way…).

You have always treated me like a princess.

You have always been a perfect gentleman.

You are polite, soft-natured, well-mannered, respectful, generous, and kind. I’m not sure I know anyone as kind-hearted as you. Maybe my Dad 🙂

You have always allowed me to be myself. You have never judged me, or made fun of me, or put me down.

You accept me for the weirdo that I am, with my tendency towards nervousness.

You understand my complexities, and my contradictory nature. You know that I am a combination of soft and strong.

I love that you read books, and that you are spiritual. I love that you are not ruled by ego, vanity, and wanting to “win”.

I love that you know how to be silent. And I don’t mean being quiet. I mean being still. Being present. And not needing constant stimulation to be content. “A Jedi craves not these things”.

Thank you for taking my hand and not letting go whilst gently guiding me when I have been overwhelmed and sometimes paralysed by fear.

You are my partner, and also my friend, and I feel so lucky that the stars aligned, and we were able to find each other. You are my wish to the universe come true.

The whole version of me feels honoured to be completed with the whole version of you.

And to me, the ring I now wear, is symbolic of that complete circle.

The force is strong in both of us.

I love you, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you.

To my readers, my only advice is to only allow love to be your motivating force.

Don’t allow fear to consume you.

And to love? Say YES.

“NOTHING OF ME IS ORIGINAL. I AM THE COMBINED EFFORT OF EVERYONE I’VE EVER KNOWN.” – Chuck Palahniuk

My last article was published over two months ago now. For a lot of reasons.

First, I’ve had a lot going on.

Second, my website was hacked a little while ago.

I worked with a particular woman a few years back now, who is a celebrity publicist.

My company at the time, did over $2000 worth of work for her and her high profile client, and she decided to not pay her bill. As you do…

So I decided to write about it.

Anyway, fast forward to about a month ago.

I get this message from someone who was doing some work for this woman. They asked me if I would ever consider deleting the article. After all, it’s pretty bad publicity for her.

I said I would consider deleting the article if she would consider paying her debt. But in reality, I would have deleted it anyway. I’ve let it go.

That’s a lesson in itself. Letting certain things go…

As the philosopher Allan Watts says – “let it go, and it will all come back”.

So a few hours later, at around midnight that same evening, I awoke with a jolt and a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I instinctively knew that my website had been pulled down, and sure enough when I tried to log into my site – it had.

I couldn’t have cared less about deleting the article, but as my site had coincidentally been hacked within hours of receiving this request, that particular article shall now remain on my site.

That’s the funny thing about your intuition.

You need to trust it.

Tapping into the mystery and invisibleness of intuition has been something I have spent a long time working on.

I’ve gotten so good at paying attention to it, that I will become physically ill if I don’t listen to what it’s trying to tell me.

At the end of each year, as the holiday season approaches, and at the start of each new year, I like to do a bit of a stocktake of my life.

I like to look back, and see all of the ways that I have changed and grown.

I also like to examine the areas in which I feel I’ve taken a backwards step. And to see why I’m moving in the opposite direction.

And I like to make a list of the things I want in the new year.

As my website was finally back online as of a couple of days ago (and please note, that I’m currently in the midst of changing the site, so I apologise in advance for any issues on the site), I have had the opportunity to go back and take a look at my list for the past two years.

Two years ago I was grateful that I had the opportunity to enjoy my friends’ children.

Two years ago I had come to accept the sometimes difficult reality that my life had not gone according to plan. I’m not sure anyone’s does.

I desperately hoped for peace and happiness.

One year ago, I had a full on year.

I had lost touch with a lot of people.

I had cried so much I could have drowned a small nation. And I had drunk a lot of alcohol.

I had participated in retail therapy in an attempt to bring me momentary joy.

I felt as though I didn’t sleep almost the entire year.

Yet, on the flip-side…..

I had learnt how to be alone.

I had learnt how to practise compassion and not judge people like I used to. That we are all battling in our own way. There’s nothing like being brought to your knees to ironically make you stand up and show you that we are all suffering in some way or another.

And that it’s kind to be kind.

I understood the depth and magnitude of my sometimes consuming loneliness. That often gripped me tightly, and refused to let me go.

I understood that I told people that I pretend that I’m strong, but looking back now, I know that I am actually much stronger than I comprehend.

I learnt how to make new friends. Something I had struggled with. I often feel like an outcast. A weirdo. Because my life does not resemble the cookie cutter life that it should at this point in time.

I learnt about who I am as a woman.

I learnt that a year ago, I felt guilty for simply being alive.

I learnt to embrace my sensitivity as a gift. Not a curse.

I learnt that everything is pretty funny if you look at it in the right way.

I learnt in my reminiscence of times past, that I had a pretty shitty few years.

I learnt that a year ago, I was afraid of rejection, but now I know that so long as I accept myself, I’ll always be ok. It really is true that the most important opinion is the one you have about yourself.

I have learnt that the power of prayer, mantras, hope, wishes sent out to the universe, faith, manifestation, being surrounded by amazing people that believe in you, are the most spectacularly powerful things we possess.

And I have learnt that if you want it bad enough, you will make it happen. No matter what it is. And in that understanding that you have that power, you also need to be warned that you need to be really careful of what you wish for…

And in looking back, I recalled a quote from Kelly Cutrone:

“This is an important lesson to remember when you’re having a bad day, a bad month, or a shitty year. Things will change: you won’t feel this way forever. And anyway, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most. I believe you can’t feel real joy unless you’ve felt heartache. You can’t have a sense of victory unless you know what it means to fail. You can’t know what it’s like to feel holy until you know what it’s like to feel really fucking evil. And you can’t be birthed again until you’ve died.”

Today, I ask you to take a trip down memory lane. And ask yourself the difficult question about who it is that you really are.

Nothing of any of us is original. We are ALL the combined effort of everyone we’ve ever known.

Life cannot be experienced to its full by living it alone.

We need other people to help shape us into the person we.

We pick up things from the people we choose to surround ourselves with.

Habits, mannerisms, quirks, ideologies, thought processes, and more importantly, we often decide what we DON’T want to be like. And what we don’t want to have to experience again.

We learn different things from every single person who graces us with their glorious presence.

Sometimes these things are good.

Sometimes these things are not so good.

But we learn regardless. And that’s always a positive thing.

Some people are there only for a season.

Some people we only have a fleeting glimpse of.

And some people are there for the long haul.

But the most important thing to know is this – we take something from everyone we’ve ever had the pleasure of crossing paths with.

No matter how brief.

And all of it is a pleasure. Despite what you may think. Because all of it adds up to who you are right at this very moment.

I dedicate today’s article to a woman by the name of Laura Byrne. An Australian jewellery designer who owns a company called Tonimay http://www.tonimay.com.au/ .

About a week ago, she posted on social media about the fact that the best selling author Paulo Coelho, had stolen her writing as his own.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3389843/Jeweller-claims-award-winning-Alchemist-author-ripped-tender-Instagram-post-shared-version-shared-90-000-times.html

Paulo Coelho has since deleted the post, but hasn’t acknowledged his deception. Which is very disappointing. As I have always admired his writing.

So today, I would like to acknowledge the words of Laura Byrne, and leave you with the quote that was stolen from her. And know that none of us are immune to being influenced by someone else.

“Be present. Make love. Make tea. Avoid small talk. Embrace conversation. Buy a plant, water it. Make your bed. Make someone else’s bed. Have a smart mouth, and quick wit. Run. Make art. Create. Swim in the ocean. Swim in the rain. Take chances. Ask questions. Make mistakes. Learn. Know you worth. Love fiercely. Forgive quickly. Let go of what doesn’t make you happy. Grow.” – Laura Byrne

“YOU CANNOT SAVE PEOPLE, YOU CAN ONLY LOVE THEM.” – ANAIS NIN

“A typhoon had temporarily stranded a monkey on an island. In a secure, protected place on the shore, while waiting for the raging waters to recede, he spotted a fish swimming against the current. It seemed obvious to the monkey that the fish was struggling and in need of assistance. Being kind of heart, the monkey resolved to help the fish.

A tree precariously dangled over the spot where the fish seemed to be struggling. At considerable risk to himself, the monkey moved far out on a limb, reached down and snatched the fish from the threatening waters. Immediately scurrying back to the safety of his shelter, he carefully laid the fish on dry ground. For a few moments the fish showed excitement, but soon settled into a peaceful rest.

Joy and satisfaction swelled inside the monkey. He had successfully helped another creature.” – Duane Elmer

This is a parable that I heard the other day, and I became fascinated by it.

Parables are “a simple story used to illustrate a moral or spiritual lesson”.

I have actually been completely enamoured by parables for as long as I can remember.

It’s such an art to be able to put together words, and paint a picture in the readers imagination. To make someone think.

I love words, and I love stories.

More than that, I love hidden meaning behind words.

It’s mostly what my whole writing style is based upon.

Hidden meanings.

Life lessons.

And this particular story had so many hidden meanings to it.

I think the most important lesson about this story, is the fact that whilst we think we might know what the best thing is for ourselves, we absolutely have no clue what is good for anyone else.

In fact, what might work magnificently for ourselves, can be detrimental to someone else.

We may feel as though we are doing the other person a kindness, by doing for them – or merely offering advice on, what would best help us.

But you know what?

To be totally honest, a lot of us don’t even know what’s good for ourselves.

We are human beings.

We aren’t perfect.

And we fuck up all the time. God knows, I certainly do…

So how can we possibly think that we have the knowledge, or experience to show anyone else the path to salvation?

We only have our own knowledge to draw upon. Our own experiences in which we look to as a point of reference.

We have no clue what is good for anyone else.

In what the monkey deemed a kindness to the fish, he ultimately destroyed it.

Throughout my life, I have experienced this too many times to count.

Everyone’s situation is unique to themselves.

And sometimes, that’s something that we just don’t possess the capacity to understand.

So we have to let it go.

Like in how the monkey should have let the fish go.

It’s not to say that you should ignore everyone else who you observe in the midst of their struggles, and only concentrate on ourselves.

I believe it means that what it would be helpful to educate ourselves about the other person.

Because we all have a story.

And by actually taking the time to listen to someone else’s story, we not only gain a better understanding of why people do the things that they do, and of why they are the way they are – only then are we able to give the gift of compassion and empathy.

Why do we try to control and manipulate others? Why do we try to convince someone else what is good for their own soul?

Do you even know what is good for you?

Is it our ego?

Is it a desperate attempt to try to right our own wrongs?

Are we living vicariously through someone else?

Is it because we have some sort of an ulterior motive, and want something from that person?

Why don’t we try and look within, and do what’s good for ourselves?

And in doing that, let’s give everyone else a break, and let them do what is going to work for them.

Let’s stop judging.

Let’s stop making someone else do something that really doesn’t affect our own life.

And if it is something that affects your life?

Well then, for heavens sake – speak up. Fight for what is right for you.

Because all we have is ourselves.

And if we are not going to look after ourselves, then we need to know that someone else is sure as hell going to try and pluck us out those proverbial “raging waters”, and try to save us. And potentially put us into a situation that does not serve us in any way whatsoever.

Do not take responsibility for anyone else except yourself.

But DO try to understand the other person.

I quoted the author Anais Nin, in the title of todays article.

“You cannot save people, you can only love them”.

And it’s true.

Loving each other, is all we can offer up in this bizarre lifetime of ours.

And I would like to leave you with another quote of hers.

About how we do not know what is good for anyone except what is good for ourselves.

And that we are only ever reflecting, and projecting.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

(And I leave you with a final thought – it’s the ability to let go that often saves…)

12 THINGS

Although no one has asked me to do so, I kind of feel as though I need to offer up some advice of how to deal with the breakdown of a long term relationship.

For those that follow my writing, you will know that coming up to 2 years ago now, I ended my almost 20 year relationship.

I was married for 13 of those years.

To walk away from that, was scary and heartbreaking.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

So today, I want to talk about the things that you will experience as a result of leaving a long term relationship, and the things that have helped keep me afloat:

1. DON’T KEEP IT A SECRET – The night before my ex-husband moved out, I was full of fear, and consumed with a sadness like no other. I literally thought I would die. The next day, when he drove away from the house, I sat down and published an article to announce the separation. People were going to talk regardless, and I thought I would give myself the chance to get it out into the open, let people either rejoice, or empathise with me, and then move on with whatever else they liked to gossip about. People were going to talk. It’s what we do. Just rip it off like a bandaid, and get it out there however you choose to do it.

2. KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE – You have three types of people in your life when you end a relationship. Those that find pleasure in your pain and will be there to console you, as it acts as a means to console themselves for their own unhappy lives that they do not have the courage to walk away from. Those that will avoid you like the plague, for so many reasons that I do not have the energy to go into. And your true friends. Out of these three, obviously, only the latter are the ones that you want around. Recognise who they are, and embrace them tightly.

3. ALLOW YOURSELF TIME TO GRIEVE – It was really hard in the beginning, and I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. I felt sorry for myself waking up alone each day. For going to bed alone each day. For eating most meals alone. I spent many days and nights feeling incredibly lonely and isolated. I drank a lot. I smoked a lot. I wrote a lot. I spoke to my friends a lot. I cried a lot. I wore pyjamas a lot. And you know what? It’s totally ok. And it will pass.

4. PROTECT YOURSELF – As I had no children with my ex-husband, there was no reason for anyone to stay in contact with me where it wasn’t necessary. At the same time, I also chose to block a whole bunch of people from my social media networks. The reasons behind why I did this were very simple. I had “mutual friends” that had clearly chosen a side. And I didn’t feel as though it was necessary to have these people stalking my social media purely to make speculations about what was now my life. I had my ex-husband phone me one day to say that a “mutual” friend had speculated that I was a lesbian because I only ever had pictures on social media with other women. If I was a lesbian, I would announce it proudly. However, it was a little more boring than that. I was just spending time with my girlfriends, and allowing myself to heal. If people are there to just consume their own boring lives with yours, make the decision to shut that shit down.

5. GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE – This can be anything that makes you uncomfortable. For me it was a few things. First up, I am a little shy. Second, I am stupidly unsure of myself. One thing I did was try to make new friends. The next thing I did was go on a couple of overseas trips on my own (to meet a friend), and several interstate trips. It was the most liberating thing I have ever done. I met so many interesting people along the way, and I showed myself that it was only my self-doubt that was limiting me in every way possible. It taught me what it means to look fear in the face, and say “I want this more than I’m afraid of you”.

6. CREATE NEW MEMORIES – This is a big one. In order to move forward in life, we need to create new memories. This can come from anything by the way. It can come from meeting a new person at the gym. Getting to know your local barista. Spending time with your siblings. With your friends. Seeing a different part of the world. Going on a road trip. Whatever it takes to create new memories, do it. You will be pleasantly surprised how much this helps.

7. TALK IT OUT – Confide in a friend. A family member. A counsellor. Journal. Get it all out. Talk and write until you can’t talk or write anymore. And then talk and write some more. Purge yourself of all of the shit that weighs your heart down. After all – a problem shared, is a problem halved.

8. BE KIND TO YOURSELF – Know that you will go back to re-visit your past often. This is not a set-back. It is part of being a human being. Experience it, and then let it go. It is over. Move forward. And don’t beat yourself up over it.

9. SPOIL YOURSELF – I personally dedicated at least one day every two weeks to getting a massage. It made me feel good. And I’m all about doing whatever it takes to get you to where you need to go. And a massage is all it took for me. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel good.

10. DO WHAT YOU WANT – Do you want to sleep in until lunchtime on the weekend? Do you want to do a cooking course? Do you want to learn a new language? Do you want to travel the world? Do it. Do what YOU want.

11. GIFT YOURSELF THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE – I don’t know why I put this down as the second last thing on my list. If it were a ranking system in which I wrote this article, this would be the number one thing on my list. Give yourself the gift of knowing who you are on your own. This is the most important thing. You need to know what it’s like to be alone. Yes, at times, it can feel lonely. But that’s no excuse to settle for something less than what you deserve, purely on account of not wanting to be alone. Learn to love who you are on your own. For me, I gave myself the gift of being alone for exactly one year. And at the end of that year, I had finally learned to love myself. It is not devoid of days of totally hating myself, but as a whole, I really do love myself. And I continue to (mostly) love myself.

12. TRUST – You won’t always feel this way. It seriously gets better. Trust that everything is going to work out for the best. Even if it takes a little bit of time to get there.

So I’ve decided to title this article “12 things”.

As there are 12 different things that I feel as though have been important to me in my journey of healing myself.

My Mum always said to me during my rebellious teenage years that “life doesn’t come with a book of instructions” – and it seriously doesn’t.

You don’t get taught anything in school that teaches you how to deal with what life sometimes throws at you.

So this article, is for those that need guidance on what it looks like to end a long relationship.

Or my experience of it at least.

On the flip-side, know that by walking away, you are making space for something so much more beautiful than you could have ever imagined to take it’s place.

Today, as I often do, I leave you with a quote; from the author of “Eat, Pray, Love”, Elizabeth Gilbert.

“Someday you’re gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You’ll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing”.

STOP COMPARING YOURSELF

It’s one of my best friends’ birthday tomorrow.

I wrote a quote in her birthday card from Shannon L. Alder:

“A best friend is the only one that walks into your life when the world has walked out”.

And it’s so true.

That’s how you really know who your best friends are.

When everyone else has walked out of your life.

For me personally (and perhaps for a lot of other people too), you get to know a lot about yourself when you choose to remove yourself from the life you had once lived.

I am a typical hormonal woman, and I had a bit of a moment today.

And when I say a “moment”, I mean that I had a minute (a few long hours actually) of comparing myself to others.

Not only was I foolishly comparing myself to others, I fell into the trap of thinking that what appears right for another person is right for me. And that I am somehow missing out.

We are so programmed by the people that we surround ourselves with – either by choice, or circumstance – that we cannot help but measure ourselves up to them.

Do I have a good partner?

Do I have children?

Do I have a big enough house?

Do I have a nice enough car?

Do I have a successful career?

Do I have an enviable life?

Am I beautiful?

Am I smart?

Do I dress cool enough?

Am I interesting?

I snapped myself out of this nonsense thought process I was going through, and gave myself the slap across the face that I needed to pull myself out of this momentary rut that I’d fallen into.

I got a text message from my bestie, with a photo of her package from me that had arrived in the mail, in time for her birthday tomorrow.

“Do I have to wait until tomorrow?” came her next message.

“This is the first time all day that I have smiled” I replied to her.

And it really was.

It was then that I had an epiphany.

That the stupid, and pointless comparison to others that I was making, was totally useless in terms of what determined MY happiness.

Those silly things that I thought envied in others, had nothing to do with what brought a smile to my face.

What made me happy was knowing that one of the most important people in my life had gotten butterflies from a gift in the mail.

And so I asked myself – why was I comparing my life to that of others?

Don’t I know, after all these years where my heart lies?

But, at times, I feel my heart lies…

I sometimes think it does that.

We feel our hearts are pulled into a dark place. Into a place of that nonsense of “comparison”.

Which is actually just our ego.

And not our hearts at all.

Because I truly believe that our hearts know all, and do not betray us.

Silly romantic, dreamer I am…

With all of the spiritual work that I have done on myself (and hey, I’m announcing right now that I’m not finished doing that work, and will likely never be done), I was only able to recognise this for what it was when I felt the light of what true happiness really felt like.

And it came in that simple form of what it took to make me smile.

Because that’s what happiness is to me.

What does it take to make that so?

A smile on my face.

And on that of others.

Lightness of being.

Love.

Being loving, and being loved.

Friendship.

Getting a text from a friend.

Calling a friend.

Being called by a friend.

Talking.

Listening.

Laughing.

And being laughed at.

Being in awe of someone.

And someone being in awe of me.

Cooking.

Someone enjoying my cooking.

Creating.

Appreciating beauty.

Being appreciated.

Feeling beautiful – which has nothing to do with looking beautiful.

Eating.

Drinking.

And having peace.

Looking at my list, these “things” have nothing to do with the list that I have created in order to compare myself with someone else.

Because that list has nothing to do with me.

And everything to do with everyone else.

Today, I came back to a quote by the novelist William Gibson, that I stumbled across a little while ago.

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes”.

Do not surround yourself with anything less that what is best for you, and what resonates with what YOU want. Not what anyone else wants. Or what anyone else wants in order to attempt to make THEM smile.

As my current writing crush Allan Watts has said, “when you try to turn around to see your own head, what happens? It runs away. You can’t get at it.”

You cannot accurately see yourself.

Which is why it’s important to surround yourself with the right people.

With those that see you properly

Those that make you smile.

That can accurately reflect to you what you truly hold inside your heart.

Which is why I attach a picture to this article of me kissing my best friend on the lips.

Because it’s a perfect metaphor for what we should only ever settle for.

Someone that loves us as much as we love ourselves.

That is willing to be the person that can reflect back to us the pure love that we all radiate from within.

My message today?

Stop comparing yourself to everyone else, and pay attention to what it is that actually makes you happy.

Thats all that’s important.

And only surround yourself with those that can be a mirror for your smile – or your lips ;)…

 

 

 

 

LET US BEGIN

Today, I want to talk about being present.

I have written before about the “I’ll be happy when…” trap.

It’s something I did for a long time.

Waiting until I reached a certain point in my life.

Then I’d be happy.

Waiting until I went on that long-awaited holiday.

Then I’d be more relaxed.

Waiting until going to that event that I was so looking forward to.

Then I’d feel beautiful once I was all dressed up and looking fancy.

Waiting until I wasn’t feeling anxious anymore.

Then I’d finally be able to breathe, and not fidget so much.

Waiting until I moved to another country.

Then I could start living the life I really wanted.

What a fool I was.

Thinking that any of these things would bring me a sense of peace and satisfaction.

But why?

Why would none of these preconceived notions about what happiness entailed, bring me to that elusive state of pure bliss?

Because none of it is real.

When you live your life that way, you are just chasing your own tail.

You never get there.

You are unable to live in the present moment and be happy, and grateful for what is.

It was a day of doing absolutely nothing but being in the present moment, where I was truly able to comprehend what “being in the now” truly is.

And do you know what I did today?

Normal, everyday stuff. Things that were unremarkable in every way.

I cleaned my house.

I did a load of washing.

I went and did some groceries.

I FaceTimed a friend overseas.

I drank coffee, and ate toast with disgusting quantities of butter and blueberry jam.

I listened to a talk by my current spiritual crush Alan Watts, on living in the moment.

Which inspired this article.

I made a spinach and feta quiche for dinner.

I drank a glass of wine, and listened to Amy Winehouse.

Whilst a strong, thunderstorm-scented breeze wafted through the window of my kitchen.

Intoxicating all of my senses with the smell of wet concrete, and jasmine.

And I felt at peace.

I felt grateful.

I felt happy.

Blissful, actually.

Because I understand what it’s all about now.

It’s about NOW.

There is nothing else.

I searched for the quote that Alan Watts had spoken, about living in the now.

“For unless one is able to live fully in the present, the future is a hoax. There is no point whatever in making plans for a future which you will never be able to enjoy. When your plans mature, you will still be living for some other future beyond. You will never, never be able to sit back with full contentment and say, “Now, I’ve arrived!” Your entire education has deprived you of this capacity because it was preparing you for the future, instead of showing you how to be alive now.”

What is it going to take for you to appreciate the gift that is the present?

When are you going to stop saying “I’ll be happy when…”?

In hindsight, I can now say that the reason I was constantly living in that silly trap, was that I wasn’t happy in the now.

I did everything I could to escape it by making plans for the future. Going and living in that future state, to get through my “present” at that time.

Thinking that that’s what would make me happy. When realising that all I had to do was to make the choice to be happy now.

So I made the choice.

And I continue to consciously make the choice each, and every day to be happy with everything that “is” in my life right now.

It’s not that you can’t make plans for a future that you know will likely bring you joy. But you cannot be fooled into thinking that that’s where your happiness lies.

Because you’ll never get there.

Happiness is right now.

If you break it all down, that’s all we have.

This very moment.

You cannot get happiness from the past by reliving it.

It’s over.

It’s done.

And you cannot get it from the future when it’s just an illusion.

The future plans that we make, only make us live in hope that things will be a certain way.

We don’t know anything for sure.

Today, I leave you with a quote from Mother Teresa.

And my advice today?

Stop waiting to live your life, and start living it today.

Stop waiting for the day where you think you will be happy, and start making yourself happy right now.

Surround yourself with those that love you.

Fill your time with things you love doing.

Because life is too short to fill it with those that berate you, and for doing shit you hate.

And above all else, appreciate the present.

“Yesterday is gone.

Tomorrow has not yet come.

We have only today.

Let us begin.”

SOLO

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to watch “Eat, Pray, Love” for the billionth time.

I love that movie.

I absolutely ADORE the book.

Like, #ICantEven …

During a particular scene in the movie, the camera flashes upon the word “Solo” in the dictionary, and it’s definition.

“A thing done by one person unaccompanied”.

It’s a foreign thing to a lot of people.

Doing things “solo”.

But why?

Essentially, we do everything alone.

We are always “unaccompanied”.

Yes, we often have company – however we are always on our own.

But there are differences between being alone, and being lonely.

And as I am really good at being alone, today I want to talk about loneliness.

The dictionary definition for loneliness is this:

“The quality of being unfrequented and remote; isolation”.

You do not have to be alone to feel lonely.

You can feel lonely in a crowd.

As cliched as that may sound.

You can feel lonely in a relationship.

The presence of another person does not necessarily equal a lack of loneliness.

And that’s where a lot of us have got it all wrong.

Hinging our feelings upon that of another.

To the point where you need to be in the constant company of someone else to fill that illusionary void.

I know that I have personally felt a powerful sense of loneliness, and isolation when I have been within the company of others. A lot of times, I have felt downright invisible.

So I can say that the presence of another – or others, is not what “makes it all better”.

It’s a trap that a lot of us fall into.

Thinking that the absence of another is what loneliness means.

It couldn’t be further from the truth.

I have frequently felt as though I don’t belong.

That I don’t fit in.

I know I’m a bit of a weirdo.

All of us are really.

I often say the wrong things, and I sometimes make a fool of myself.

I will openly admit to being a total jackass.

To occasionally being a little outspoken.

To being “off with the fairies”.

But you know what?

I don’t care.

I’m really nice. My heart is in the right place. And I really like me.

In fact, I love me.

However, other people often do care that you are not marching to the beat of their own bullshit drum.

But with age, I have come to recognise that the “wrong things” that I say and do, are actually not wrong at all.

They are just different ideas and beliefs to those that were in my company at that time.

And perhaps I have just surrounded myself with the wrong types of people.

Lots of us do that at times…

After watching “Eat, Pray, Love” that day, I went back and flicked through the book.

Searching for more.

And I realised something, after coming across a quote that I will post at the end of this article.

In breaking away from everything that was once familiar and routine to me – in walking on the proverbial “road less travelled”, I discovered that I have found what it was that I was looking for.

I have found my truth.

And it doesn’t rely upon the validation of another.

Well, not entirely.

But for the bits where I do need some sort of “feedback”, I have actively sought out those that I am in alignment with.

That accept me, and love me for the complicated mess that I am.

And in my opinion?

We are all a bit of a complicated mess…

So todays message is this:

It is not a lack of company that reveals who you really are.

Although, from experience, that really does help at times.

Being “solo” truly is a gift.

Because it gives you the distance and clarity to be the observer, and to know what it is that you don’t want.

It is often having lots of different experiences, that engage a wide variety of other personalities, to reflect back to you what you know you do not want to settle for.

I have often been accused of not knowing what I want.

And it has always been painted to me as a negative trait.

Yet today – I am telling you right now that it’s a positive.

It’s not that I do not know what I want.

I know what I DO NOT want.

By knowing what you don’t want, makes it’s so much more excellent when the things that you DO want reveal themselves to you.

Today I leave you with the quote that I mentioned earlier.

And know this – so long as you are being true to yourself, that you have the balls to travel that road “solo”; “unaccompanied” – the truth will not be withheld from you.

“I’ve come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call “The Physics of The Quest” — a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: “If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself… then truth will not be withheld from you.” Or so I’ve come to believe.” – Elizabeth Gilbert; Eat, Pray, Love