“Today was about chasing sun-rays, beach waves, & sunsets. All things beautiful that give you peace are worth chasing. Everything else isn’t.” – April Mae Monterrosa
I posted this quote to all of my social media outlets this evening, watching the sun set behind the trees in my garden.
I was sat outside.
Drinking and writing.
Like I do.
Alcohol (and drugs for that matter), access the right side of your brain.
The creative side.
However, the creative side of my brain is always “on”.
I’m a right-brained person.
Creative. Artistic. Random. Holistic. Open-minded. Fantasy-oriented. Possessing a stupidly long memory. Indecisive, yet impulsive. Intuitive.
Yet, with all of these traits, that can be interpreted as a negative to some, I have been lucky enough to experience a lot of different things in my lifetime thus far.
But the one thing that I continue to come back to, is that I am a slave to my heart, rather than my mind. To “logic”.
I am totally ruled by my emotions. .
I live by my feelings. My intuition. By my “gut feeling”.
I often see things through rose-coloured glasses.
Which is a bit of a curse at times.
And hey, a lot of us have hidden agendas.
We do things that serve a higher purpose for ourselves.
We are all selfish on some level.
For me, I trust too easily.
And my naivety often renders me powerfully stupid at times.
But you know what?
I think it’s a positive trait.
Why would I want to see the negative in people?
Why would anyone want to see something bad in someone, when there is so much more to be seen?
When you break it down, it’s pretty depressing to go through life being suspicious of everyone, and everything.
And it keeps us stuck in our comfort zone.
Not willing to have new experiences. Not willing to meet other people. Not willing to try to see the good in everyone.
And isn’t it always better to learn things “the hard way”?
That way we have a memory of what we refuse to repeat.
We make a list of our “non-negotiables”.
We learn that boundaries are imperative to our growth as humans.
Having said that, I’m a contradiction.
My intuition lets me know when things don’t feel good.
And at times, I often feel as though my hyper-vigilance leaves me trapped in a rut of fear.
I feel everything so much more intensely than the regular person.
And it makes me afraid to let go, and give myself fully to anyone, or anything.
And I totally shut down.
Which is one of the most basic motivating forces in life.
There’s only two forces in life as far as I’m concerned.
Fear, and love.
I met with my life coach today, and I expressed that I often feel as though I don’t know who I am.
She let me know that I actually know EXACTLY who I am.
I am clearly able to articulate my boundaries, and what doesn’t sit well with me.
I just have an issue with expressing my truth to others.
Because I’m afraid of hurting people’s feelings.
I feel as though I’m responsible for other people’s emotional response’s to my boundaries.
Which I am aware is a “learned” behaviour.
I was reassured that I am only responsible for how I feel. And to know that what I am feeling, is not only true for me, but also RIGHT for me.
It might not be right for someone else, but it’s right, and true for me.
Our truth is what resonates with us.
It’s what feels comfortable for us.
What feels right for us.
What sits well with us in our “gut”.
And then I had one of my many, many, many thoughts.
I think I’m perfect just the way I am.
Because I am me.
I actually think I’m pretty fucking cool.
I had someone very special to me tell me last night that I display both toughness, and fragility. And that is why I am loved.
I didn’t realise I displayed anything other than complacency most of the time.
But looking back in hindsight, I recognised that I do speak up when it really matters.
I love myself enough to stand up for what I believe in. No matter what.
I have the balance and polarity of both the sunset, and the sunrise.
And despite what that negative part of my brain tells me, I’m “worth it”. Like L’oreal tries to drive home to their consumers.
And all it took was the simple act of observing a sunset, something that happens every single day, to let me know that it really is the little things.
To look at the beauty of the way the sun changed the sky from day to night, and be able to not only appreciate, but also be in awe of the simplicity, and peacefulness of it all. And the way it changes everything surrounding it.
Understanding the illusion that the darkness creates for what surrounds us.
And what the sunset that always ensues reminds us of.
That the same sun that changes the day to night, also changes that darkness to light.
We possess everything we need inside us this whole time.
And let me quote my favourite childhood movie.
The Wizard Of Oz.
“Everything you were looking for was right there with you all along.”
So how about we stop complicating things, and go back to what FEELS good for us.
Let’s drop all of the shit that weighs us down. The stuff that keeps us a prisoner of darkness and melancholy.
Because it really is all about chasing love and happiness.
About what brings us peace.
Let’s be true to ourselves.
Let’s chase what brings us warmth, light, and sunshine.
Because all things beautiful that give you peace are worth chasing.