Tomorrow is my birthday.
I’m going to be 36 years old.
I can’t believe it.
Where did all of that time go?
Am I REALLY going to be 36?
Particularly, as I have been jokingly saying for the past 9 birthdays that I am 27…
It was then that I had one of my many thoughts that my overthinking mind afflicts, and torments me with.
What have I learnt so far in my relatively short 36 years that I have graced this earth with my presence?
Yesterday, I got a card in the post from my Aunty:
It was the last sentence in that card from my beloved Aunty Gael that really moved me.
…”and just like the apple, when it is cut open….guess what? You discover a STAR!”
I don’t know why all of us can’t recognise this.
That beneath the tough (or sometimes weak), exterior that we display, that we are all stars.
We are essentially the star of our own show.
We are the masters (or mistresses) of our own universe.
Our world really does revolve around us.
Of course it does.
Who else could it possibly revolve around?
Sure, we love the people that are a part of our lives.
We often place them high upon pedestals.
We are there for them through thick and thin.
We cry for them, and with them.
We get mad at them.
We forgive them.
We see things from their perspective.
And at times, we don’t.
And sometimes, we use the courage that we have been born with, to let them go.
And that in hindsight, we often learn that it is a kindness.
It’s important to recognise that the central point of all that we attract into our lives, is that one pivotal thing.
That we are at the centre of all of those relationships and interactions.
We ARE the star, when you finally decide to dissect it all.
To break it all down.
So what have I learnt on the eve of my 36th birthday?
That my mind messes with me more than I would like.
That I refuse to be someone that I am not.
That I will not accept anything other than kind, accepting, non-judgemental, and loving relationships around me.
That I refuse to be held accountable for anyone else’s emotions, or perceived inadequacies, that they subconsciously choose to project upon me.
I will not stand for it.
I have decided that I am a force to be reckoned with.
You cannot fuck with me.
My choices are mine.
I own them all.
That I am unapologetically, a girly girl.
That I like to dress up, and drink too much wine, and dance a lot at a party.
That I am soft, and kind, and super friendly.
That I am not a feminist.
I’m not. Sorry to disappoint any of you.
That I cry often.
That I worry way too much.
And that’s totally ok.
I love me for me.
It is not a sign of weakness to feel everything so deeply. But one of deep empathy. and compassion.
That I am often taken advantage of.
And my friends are there, fiercely watching over me to recognise the rare occasions that it alludes me.
That up until a little while ago, I was hopeless at putting boundaries around me.
But not anymore.
If there is something that doesn’t feel good – I’ll announce it.
At times, it may seem as though I’m a little “firecracker”.
But I’m not. Not really.
Or maybe I am.
But I will not put up will having someone else’s toxic crap poured all over me.
I refuse to allow myself to be walked all over.
I’m not concerned with hurting anyone else’s feelings, particularly when not announcing what I feel is to my own detriment.
I’ve been there before.
I have finally, and magically connected to my intuition.
To my gut.
To the star that I always have been, even if I somehow forgot.
I trust myself.
I do not lead myself astray.
How could I?
I pay attention to the feelings that arise within me. And I speak out on the things that don’t sit well with me.
Because life is short.
And it’s too short to put up with the bullshit of a reality that is not your own.
So on the eve of my 36th birthday, I implore you all to allow yourself to split yourself wide open and reveal the beauty of that star that resides within you. That IS you.
Even if you think it is forgotten, or buried too deep within, for you to find it.
Today, I leave you with a quote from the brilliant author, and philosopher Haruki Marukami, on “stars”.
Be brave, and bold enough to let that inner light of yours shine without.
Stop being so afraid of what everyone else thinks of you. Worry about what YOU think of you.
Cut yourself wide open, and discover that star…
“Sometimes when I look at you, I feel I’m gazing at a distant star. It’s dazzling, but the light is from tens of thousands of years ago. Maybe the star doesn’t even exist anymore. Yet sometimes that light seems more real to me that anything.”