DAYDREAMER

I saw a post on Facebook the other day from a fellow writer on the fact that there are no good writers out there anymore.

That everything these days is about “lists”.

That nothing is written from the heart anymore.

I try as often as I can to write from my heart.

And what is it that my heart is trying to tell me?

Most of the time, it’s to run away from any emotion that arises within me. To banish it as quickly as it surfaces. To return to my comfort zone. Not letting the pendulum swing too far in the direction of “feeling”.

To keep that shit under control.

Over the past 12 months, I have gone on an incredible journey.

The journey within.

A journey that a lot of us don’t ever get to undertake. For several reasons.

We are immersed in our daily routines, that prevent us from truly discovering what lies beneath.

Comfort zones.

Jobs that we hate. Children that we need to care for. Relationships that have run their course, yet, we choose to stay, out of comfort, and familiarity. Out of fear of the unknown. Because it’s “easy”.

I have the luxury now, of living my life exactly as I want to.

But with the freedom of choice, comes great responsibility.

Who am I? Where do I want to go? What do I want out of this relatively short life?

Last Monday, I signed my divorce papers.

It was an incredibly emotional day. I cried a lot.

I think the hardest part was having to dig out my marriage certificate.

My mind cast me back to that day when I was just a young girl with stars in her eyes, and pure love in her heart.

I got my neighbour down the street to witness the papers (she’s a “Justice of the Peace”). She commented to myself and my ex-husband that it was a “shame that we couldn’t work it out”.

And it is. Of course it is. Yet, we did try very hard to “work it out”.

She then took me aside, and privately commended me on my bravery for walking away.

Something that a lot of people refuse to do.

Out of fear.

I personally believe that a lot of relationships are deeply rooted in “co-dependency”. Which is the motivating force behind why so many people stay.

However, I think it’s a kindness to the other party, to recognise what is really going on, and to release that other person from the clutches of what our minds (or ego’s) have decided what “normal” looks like.

“Normal”, is different for everyone.

I drank a lot of wine that evening, as I attempted to grapple with the intensity of my emotions that were screaming to be dealt with.

Any ending (or beginning) of a life chapter will do that to you.

Not make you drink – but make you face, head on, whatever demons you have.

And at times, we attempt to numb ourselves to whatever it is that we are feeling. Push them to the wayside. And hey, I’m all about doing whatever it takes to get you to where you need to go…

And it made me reflect upon the year that has been.

I noticed it on Christmas Day actually. Over a month ago now.

The people that I was getting in touch with to wish them a Merry Christmas this year, were all new people in my life. People that had crossed my path during the last year. All of the new friends that I had made. The invaluable lessons I had learnt. In a lot of ways, I have “started from scratch” again, when it came to those that have my heart.

For some silly reason, up until this point, I thought I was hopeless, and deeply flawed at making friends.

And I realised something. I’m really good at making friends. Great, in fact.

If we are always projecting, and reflecting, then the people we are surrounded by, should give us an indication of the type of love that surrounds us. Of what we put out into the universe, we get back.

Like someone once told me “I am you. You are me”.

And it’s been overwhelming.

Which brings me back to my previous comment of “co-dependency” in relationships.

It’s a slippery slope.

Of course, we all want to find that elusive “other half”. Our “soulmate” (something I have touched on a bit, of late).

But what about finding the fabled “other half” of ourselves? Becoming whole? The perfect “yin and yang” balance that so many of us crave?

Is it just a fairytale?

I believe, that once we have undertaken that “journey within”, that whoever we attract into our lives is there to complement what is. To improve upon what we already possess inside.

And it made me have another thought.

Am I now too independent? Am I now, too whole? Have I always had the “other half” within me this whole time?

Is it like the quote from my favourite childhood movie?

“Everything you were looking for was right there with you all along.” – The Wizard Of Oz

But with this epiphany, have I become too whole? Untouchable?

Is there such a thing?

Do I run at any hint of emotion, affection, intimacy, kindness?

Is this my new “perfectly imperfect” flaw to be worked through?

Erecting my walls so high that no one can climb them?

Being so afraid to let anyone get close to me that I go back into my proverbial shell?

Attempting to control my outside environment to the point of near obsession?

Maybe.

The only advice I can offer on todays article is to be the quiet observer. Even though I potentially observe to the point of madness, overthink, and quite possibly, make monsters out of shadows.

Observe your feelings. Pay attention to what comes up for you.

Feel out that swirling feeling in your gut.

Pay attention to that intuition.

Do it.

As uncomfortable as it may be.

And quoting the inspirational author Paulo Coelho, asking yourself the question – “If it’s still in your mind, it’s still in your heart”. Which isn’t a question at all. But a statement, if anything.

This morning, I woke up with a song on repeat in my head.

“Daydreamer” by Adele.

And being the “daydreamer” that I am, I couldn’t help but look for some sort of a message in the lyrics of that song.

“Daydreamer
With eyes that make you melt
He lends his coat for shelter
Plus he’s there for you
When he shouldn’t be
But he stays all the same
Waits for you
Then sees you through”

Be your own daydreamer. Pay attention to that heart of yours, and what it’s trying to tell you, and guide you towards. And let it see you through…

MY UNWAVERING CONSTANT

My first article for 2015…

I’ve been meaning to publish something for quite some time now, yet I’ve dropped off the radar a lot so far this year. I am in deep contemplation.

I’ve had so many things I’ve wanted to write about, yet I’ve gone back into my shell like I so often maddeningly do.

So today, I am writing a letter to the women in my life. My constants. You know who you are.

It is a thank you letter.

I want to thank you for never giving up on me.

For humouring me constantly (even though I’m often the one doing the humouring).

For never judging me (even when I’m harshly, and often unfairly judging myself).

For letting me cry pathetically to you. You know how it goes with me. And I often blow my nose on my clothing when the floodgates open.

For placing me carefully under your wings, and attempting to protect my delicate, and powerfully naive heart from the mistakes I often make regardless of your advice (because I stubbornly never listen, and am a sucker for learning the hard way).

For not giving me too much grief for the fact that I hadn’t showered since Wednesday (I showered this morning FYI).

For accepting that my rose-coloured glasses are stupidly planted firmly on my nose constantly.

For calling me out on my bullshit.

For laughing both with me, and at me.

For being able to call you at any time of the day or night.

For looking after me. Always.

For fattening me up when it’s required, due to my sometimes bad eating habits.

For accepting me for the total nut-job that I am.

For loving me when I”m not very loveable.

For taking me out to lunch, and dinner.

For taking me shopping.

For taking me to the beach.

For making me cups of tea.

For bringing me glasses of wine.

For taking beautiful photos of me when I’m deep in thought, and twirling my hair like a small child. Where my hidden sadness is written all across my expressive face.

For your excellent oxytocin hugs.

For letting me stay with you as long as I need.

For encouraging, and supporting me.

For telling me I’m beautiful (and telling me I’m ugly too).

For being there during my many “conniption fits”.

For making me leave the house (and sometimes the country) when I really didn’t want to. Or was just afraid to.

For checking in on me when I go quiet.

For reminding me that I’m loved.

For talking to me until I fall asleep.

For asking me for advice (that, I’m particularly flattered over, seeing as I’m often a monumental fuck-up).

For seeing me at my absolute worst, and loving me anyway.

And for being my world.

My friend. My companion. My mother. My sister. My Aunty. My everything.

My unwavering constant.

In the past 12 months, I have come to discover the powerful impact that someone taking your hand can have. To assist you in your life journey.

I am completely floored by the support I have had from the women in my life.

And it makes me wonder about the notion of “soulmates”. The whole notion of finding your “other half”.

Of if it doesn’t necessarily have to be in the romantic sense.

Because I have found my soulmate in all of these beautiful people. All of them.

Those that reflect back to me what I so often forget is so special, and magnetically infectious about me.

That remind me constantly of the spark that I possess, even when I think it has been extinguished forever.

So whilst todays article is a thank you letter, there’s also a lesson in this piece.

To draw upon the support of those around you. To drop the walls, and allow them to be your “other half”.

It’s not a sign of weakness, but one of strength.

To keep your heart soft no matter what, and to never be too proud (or too stubborn) to let people into your life.

You might discover that your soulmate is much closer to you than you may think.

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(On a side note, I’d also like to thank my Dad. Who does everything for me. Who never judges me. Who believes in me. Who allows me to make mistakes. Who listens to me and my nonsense. Who never says “no”. Who offers unbiased advice. Who keeps my secrets. Who loves me unconditionally. Who is stupidly proud of me no matter what I do. Even when I do really silly things.

As I wrote this evenings article, I was listening to John Mayer’s song “Daughters”.

The lyrics that stood out to me the most were these:

“I know a girl
She puts the colour inside of my world
But she’s just like a maze
Where all of the walls continually change
And I’ve done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I’m starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me”

To all of the people that have crossed my path, and that are a part of my life, know that the way I am has nothing to do with you. It’s just the way I am. As much as an unsolvable riddle that I am.

The chorus then has a message in it too:

“Fathers, be good to your daughters”

My father is not only good to his daughters, he is exceptional. Outstanding. So as my unwavering constant, I also want to thank my Dad for loving me to the point of madness.

And above all, look after the women in your life. We are complicated. Indecisive. Completely bonkers. A contradiction. Highly emotional. Irrational.

But without women, none of us would be here.

Search tirelessly for your unwavering constant, and when you discover it, never, ever let it go…)