I’VE COME UNDONE

 

I’m such a tight-ass when it comes to myself. Anyone would think I don’t have any money the way that I live.

Until a few weeks ago, I didn’t even own a wine glass. 

That’s right. 

This alcoholic in denial, drank wine out of a Champagne flute for months on end. 

And I only had one Champagne flute. 

I embarrassingly made my girlfriends drink out of a coffee cup when they graced me with their presence. 

My sheer clumsiness had me down to just one flute, and my lack of self-love made me think that that was totally acceptable as a host. 

Mind you, I am impossibly generous when it comes to others. 

Yet, not on myself. 

I have worked really hard to be in the position that I am in, however I live like a little bit of a pauper. 

Which brings me to Spotify.

All I wanted to listen to today on Spotify was that song from that movie “Begin Again” that I watched the other night at the movies. I’m strangely addicted to that song. Because It makes me cry. And I find crying is cathartic at times.

I kept on closing the app until I could get the song up. 

You only get 6 free skips with the free app. 

I frustratingly sat there for a good 10 minutes before I got my wish.

And it made me realise something. 

Like L’oreal tries to preach, I certainly don’t feel as though I’m “worth it”. If I did, I’d just buy the goddamn app.

Which brings me to this morning.

My Dad left me a tool kit at my front door this morning. 

I was overwhelmed by his generosity, and a little embarrassed. I felt like a charity case. In fact, I burst into tears when I realised what he had done for me. Because I didn’t feel as though I was worth the effort.

I don’t own a single tool. My tool kit consists of butter knives and a meat tenderising hammer.

I hate asking anyone for anything. I like to be as self-sufficient and independent as I can possibly be. I am both a combination of being impossibly stubborn, and proud.

I don’t want anyone to know that I stumble, not just sometimes, but all the time, and that I’m attempting to make sense of my strange new life. That I overwhelm myself all the time, and often  question my own sanity.

But like I always say, people see a lot more than you give them credit for. 

Like when my neighbour graciously does chores for me without me knowing. 

Because I refuse his offers of help every single time. 

Or when my friends come and kill spiders for me, being the ridiculous arachnophobic I am. 

Or when they phone, and message me relentlessly when I go into my little cave and cut myself off from the world.

Or yesterday, when my younger sister took me out to lunch, and when she sneakily went to pay the bill. I was beyond embarrassed.

I went to my parents house to visit them today. I actually live in the same street as my parents. Which is so great. I cannot even begin to explain how grateful I am for that. 

However, my Mum started to give me grief over the fact that I’m single. 

“I don’t want you to be alone forever Amy. That’s terrible. You just need someone to talk to you. To understand that you are more than just a beautiful looking girl. That you have a brain. You’re so smart. You can’t sit there like a shrinking violet and be so shy, locking yourself away from the world.”

My Dad piped up now. 

Fathers are funny like that. 

“Just leave her alone.” He said. 

I personally don’t think that my Dad would think that anyone is good enough for me. I’m his baby after all.

I have to admit to myself that I am so scared of letting anyone get close to me.

But back to Spotify.

Now as I attempted to get the track that I wanted on Spotify, the same song kept on coming up. 

“Come Undone” by Robbie Williams. 

As I look for meaning in everything, I listed to the words of that song:

“So unimpressed, but so in awe

So self-aware, so full of shit

So indecisive, so adamant”

And it got me thinking about the walking contradiction that I am. And the fact that a lot of the time, I am running away from my life. 

But isn’t that what so many of us do?

Run away?

Not all of us do it. There’s a lot of us that are happy with their life. 

But a lot of us just aren’t. More than would care to admit.

I got home from my parents house today and I cried. A lot. Particularly because my Mum had noticed that I hadn’t published anything in a while. And I was mad at myself.

I write all the time. Every single day in fact. Yet most of it rarely gets published. Because I don’t deem it good enough. The curse of perfectionism will do that to a writer.

I was having a conversation with a friend today. About running away. 

Because that’s what I’m on the verge of doing. Because I’m fucking over it.

Those of us that are too afraid to pursue our dreams do that. We run away. And sometimes, those of us that are pursuing our dreams do it too.

And sometimes it’s not as obvious as we think. 

I’m going to call a spade a spade here – a lot of people run away by settling into conformity. 

They get married. They have their 2.3 children. Their family car. Their jobs which have nothing to do with the lives they want for themselves, and everything to do with the life they have created for themselves. Or for the life that is expected of them. Out of pure necessity. To the lives that they have unconsciously committed to through their escapism from their passion. 

People might look at someone like me and think I’m completely mad. That I’m like a gypsy who flits from here to there. That doesn’t settle into the predicable life that makes others feel comfortable. That bullshit text book version of how life is “meant” to be.

Yes, I am going against the grain of that bullshit textbook. And whilst I often think I am such a coward, it has taken so much courage to do what I’ve done. To walk away from everything that was expected of me. 

Has it been easy?

No fucking way. 

I feel like I’ve been to hell and back. Several times over. It has fucking sucked a lot of the time. If it weren’t for my girlfriends, I don’t know how I would have gotten through the past 7 months.

They say it takes half the time you’ve been in a relationship to get over it. 

I’ve been in a relationship for 20 years, and I’ll be damned if I am going to take another decade to get over my marriage breakdown.

But does that mean that I need to run away?

Maybe. Because hey, whatever gets you to where you need to go right?

I hate to admit it, but I’ve unfortunately come undone.

I’m drinking way too much. Way, way, way too much. I’m chain smoking like a rock star. And I’m not loving Amy.

And until I learn to love myself, I’m not able to love anyone else properly.

So perhaps the best thing for me to do, is to disappear into obscurity, and to get to learn who I am. To learn how to chase Amy properly.

As I conclude this article, I am listening to Sarah McLaughlan. I am listening to her song “Adia”, which is about her marriage breakdown. My own marriage breakdown has destroyed me on so many levels. I am not going to lie and act as though I am unaffected. Because I most certainly am not.

So today, I will leave you with her words:

“I search myself in everyone to see where we went wrong”

I think I need to take another time out, to search where I went wrong, and be able to move forward. Knowing that I made the right decision, as difficult as it may have been, and to learn how to love Amy again. So that perhaps one day in the future, someone else besides my girlfriends can love me too.

I’m desperately waiting for my “knight in shining armour” to come and rescue me, however that’s only true in fairytales. And we all know that fairytales aren’t true. So it’s time to save me from myself.

Because as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve most certainly come undone. 

 

 

2 thoughts on “I’VE COME UNDONE”

  1. Thank you for sharing, as always. You have an uncanny ability to reach so many – even through your pain, so don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re one of the rare people in this world that allows yourself the space and time to process. So many people hope from one relationship into the next, but you’ve taken the time to actually “FEEL” – so many are afraid of this. It’s ok to not want people to help you, it’s hard to let people in when you are hurting, no matter who they are. You are not broken, you’re just wounded, and every piece of pain you feel is another step closer to healing, and when you are done, you will step out of it…. so don’t stop crying until you are ready! xxx

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