WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I’m back momentarily. I’m kind of just checking in for the time being. Because I’m holing myself up now indefinitely to write like mad in solitude.

I haven’t published any articles for around 3 weeks now, because for the first time in my life, I took an actual time-out from my life.

In fact, I told very few people that I was temporarily dropping off the radar, and disappearing to another country for a while.

And it was brilliant.

I now understand why people run away. I would do it again in a heartbeat, particularly being the flighty and mercurial Gemini I am…

I was under strict instructions that I was not allowed to publish anything whilst I was taking this sabbatical.

That all of the experiences I was having, all of the people I was meeting, all of the emotions I was feeling, were to be collected and put into a book.

That will be happening as soon as I can string it all together properly. It’s a huge task I’ve set for myself particularly as I’ve become accustomed to publishing less than 1000 word articles. But it’s in the works. The skeleton has been created, and now, I “flesh it out”.

It can’t not be written now. I’ve been changed inexplicably after this time away. In the words of C.S. Lewis “I can’t go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then”.

I did write whilst I was away, yet it was more note taking than anything else. Carefully collecting all of my experiences, and trying to figure out the meaning and lesson behind it all.

Trying to discover what moved all of the people I came across during my travels, but what strangely occurred was that all their stories not only moved me, but also changed me somehow. Changed the way I thought about other people, and changed the way I saw myself.

And I discovered that I am like a mirror. We all are.

I am brutally honest, and very trusting, and to my delight and surprise, every person who crossed my path reflected the same in return.

I discovered I have this uncanny knack for getting people to open up to me. Which I love. In fact, one of the common things I heard was “I don’t know why I’m telling you this”, from almost every person I sat down with to pick their brains, and deconstruct their personal journeys.

To all of the people that shared their stories with me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

This candidness from all of the people I had the pleasure of meeting, gave me a lot of insight into the way of the world today, which in a lot of ways I feel as though I’ve not been a part of for the longest time.

Listening to their stories blew my mind and heart wide open, and everybody really does have a beautiful and unique story to tell.

I was using this time to have some time alone, but to also go and spend some time with my soul sister.

We are like sisters in so many ways.

Sometimes we’d argue like sisters too. Both being hard-headed with strong personalities is a complicated thing to master. She taught me a lot about myself. We laughed, and we cried. In fact, I cried 3 times as I left her yesterday.

Once as I was getting into my taxi, and I hugged her goodbye (after her refusing to come to the airport with me, and then changing her mind as I was so emotional).

Once when we had a cigarette together outside the airport where she firmly reprimanded me and said “if you’re going to cry, cry properly. Don’t cry like a girl”.

And finally when we bid each other farewell outside the airport where I clung to her for dear life and sobbed and choked and told her that I didn’t want to leave her. There was no way I could hold back the floodgates.

Back to my writing.

It wasn’t until this week that I started to wonder whether or not anyone was missing my writing. If I was interesting enough to continue on writing stories.

That day that I sat pondering if my readers actually wanted more from me, I was flooded with messages asking me when they can expect more.

“Ask, and you shall receive”.

I sent the current of my thoughts out into the universe, and I got the answer I needed.

I have discovered during this journey I’ve been on, that I really am the master of my own universe.

And every person I came across answered my question for me too. I always thought I was this impossibly boring person, yet I was met with feedback from all that I was one of the most interesting people they’ve met. Which was very flattering, and surprising to myself.

Sometimes you really do need someone else to validate you. Particularly if you are somewhat confused about who you are. Yes, it’s important to know who you are without someone else spelling it out for you, but it’s also important to allow your own inner beauty to be reflected through the eyes of others. Sometimes that’s the only way.

Whatever I wanted I was strangely able to manifest. So I will continue to do what I have been doing, and blindly follow my heart wherever it decides to lead me. I promise you all, it’s the only thing that matters.

My soul sister made fun of me for always asking the same question throughout my travels.

“What am I supposed to do?”

I know what I need to do now, and everything is going to work out exactly as it’s meant to.

To my readers, I can’t thank you enough for your continued support. I promise I will have something interesting for you when the time is right.

My honesty may make some uncomfortable, but it’s who I am, and I make no apologies for the complicated, and sometimes impossible woman that I am.

To my soul sister, I miss you already. I can’t thank you enough for all you have been, and continue to be for me. And for you, my dear friend, I leave you with this quote:

“The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we’ve lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we’ve found each other. And maybe each time, we’ve been forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.” – Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

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