SHIT I DO IN SECRET

I’m so sick today. I have the worst flu ever.

It’s made my brain leave the building, and I simply cannot construct a proper sentence, let alone write an article.

So I’m taking the day off. I’m actually laying in bed right now. I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired. And I’ve certainly not been this sick for a long time.

When I got home from the chemist today, I made myself something to eat.

I made some toast, and put ricotta and honey on it.

As I wound the nozzle shut on the honey container, I licked the nozzle clean.

I thought to myself “that’s disgusting”.

And then I thought of all of the disgusting and quirky things we do in secret.

So here’s my list of shit I secretly do:

1. I blow my nose in the shower.

2. I sometimes don’t brush my teeth before bed.

3. I have a very weird eating schedule. Sometimes I go a whole day on a piece of fruit and a coffee. Other days, I eat as if I’m going to the electric chair. Like last night. Last night, I had 4 bowls of soup, a tin of tuna, an Easter egg, and 8 Tim Tams for dinner.

4. I sometimes floss my teeth with a loose thread off whatever outfit I’m wearing.

5. When I’m sick (like now), I fashion a tissue into a screwdriver, and shove it up whatever nostril is dripping like a tap.

6. It takes a lot to piss me off, however, I really can’t stand walking behind slow walkers. I sigh, and roll my eyes, and curse them with my inside voice.

7. I talk constantly in the car. By myself. Like a running commentary of my fellow drivers. Something like “nice indicator mutherfucker”. Or “thanks fuckwit”, when someone finally let’s me into their lane. It’s actually quite sad.

8. I kill most insects and spiders in my home with books (because I rarely wear shoes)

9. I push the toothpaste to the top of the tube, and then lick it off. Another disgusting habit.

10. Sometimes, I sit on the vanity, and pluck every stray hair from my face I can find, before squeezing any pimples I have too.

11. I eat wandering around the house. And sometimes I even eat in the bathroom.

12. I try on clothes I’ve had since I was 18 to make sure they still fit.

13. When I feel like I have no control over my life, I clean like a madwoman.

14. I watch really romantic movies and cry.

15. Sometimes I drink too much alcohol. Actually, the other night after a Macca’s run, I brought my Happy Meal home and tipped out half my Sprite and replaced it with Vodka.

16. I take naps in the day sometimes.

17. I’m really, really, really good at Super Mario World on my Super Nintendo. And Mortal Combat too.

18. Sometimes I spill coffee on the floor (I’m the clumsiest person I know), and I don’t bother cleaning it up.

19. I haven’t cleaned my hairbrush out for a long time. Like, I’m talking YEARS.

20. Due to my clumsiness, I drop a lot of food on the floor. I also eat a lot of food off the floor too.

21. If I have a favourite song, I’ll listen to it on repeat. For days… Oh, and I’ll often dance by myself.

22. If I’m not working (I have an odd working schedule), I can sometimes go days without seeing a single soul.

23. I write all the time. Like ALL the time. And I read a lot too. I’m a bit of a nerd like that.

24. I really like the salmon dish at my local Thai restaurant. And my local Thai restaurant really like me as a result (like at Christmas time, one of the staff was going back to Thailand and she gave me a hug and told me she was going to miss me).

25. Sometimes I’ll iron my clothes with my hair straightener because I can’t be bothered getting the iron out.

26. When I watch tv, I put my hand down my top and hold my boob. I don’t know why. I just do.

27. I eat everything out of my “favourite bowl”

28. Sometimes I get really sad because I think too much, and I get a bit lonely at times. I cry a lot, and I’ll blow my nose on whatever I’m wearing (it goes straight into the wash afterwards though)

29. I sometimes take the rubbish out wearing just my knickers (whilst praying the whole time that the neighbours are all asleep)

30. When it’s cold, I’ll wear socks and thongs (flip-flops).

31. I go to the supermarket in my pyjamas at least twice a week.

I hope I made some of you smile with some of the nonsense that goes on in my private life, that no doubt goes on in yours too…

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