I learn something new every single day.
The day before yesterday I woke up early, still a little sick from my flu that I haven’t managed to completely shake.
I made myself a coffee and started working on the things that I needed to work on before realising that I needed some additional paperwork from my office.
I had a shower, got dressed, and made my way in there to see the boys at the office.
I love those boys. I wasn’t blessed with any brothers, but the boys I get to work with are the closest I have to brothers.
They greeted me warmly, made me a coffee. They put shit on me for a while, like any brothers would do. They asked me about my uneventful weekend (I’m impossibly boring), before walking me to my car after getting the things that I needed.
I got back to my home office, and then discovered that I needed to head to the bank to retrieve some additional documents for what I was working on.
I made my way into the bank where they told me that I needed to make an appointment in order to retrieve the documents I was after.
I was mildly annoyed as I have zero patience, and I began to make my way back to my car.
On the way back through the shopping centre, I heard someone say my name.
A guy I used to know many moons ago was sitting at a cafe with his friend. He had called out to me as I wandered past in a daze. They invited me to join them.
I sat down, they offered to buy me a cup of tea, which I politely declined. I’m stupidly proud, and don’t like accepting anything from anyone. Not even a cup of tea.They insisted and insisted, and so I gave in.
I hate awkward silences, so I decided to speak.
“So I’m sure you”ve heard that my husband and I have separated” I said to my friend. Knowing that it was quite possibly the elephant in the room.
“Yeah” he responded.
“That’s life. Shit happens.” I replied to him. I find I say that a lot lately. Shit really does happen.
“You are so brave. I don’t care if I’d been with someone for 30 years. If I wasn’t happy, I’d leave. A lot of people don’t leave.” He went on.
I thought about that for a while. Actually I continued to think of that for the remainder of the day.
I was doing my taxes all day yesterday. In fact, I’ve been doing them all week. Yesterday I didn’t leave the house. I spent one of those days in voluntary solitude. I do that a lot.
As I was nearing the end of my taxes, I was adding up some final figures, when I clumsily hit the clear button.
A dramatic display of theatrics was put on, with thankfully an audience of none to witness.
“FUCK. MY. LIFE.” I said out loud, tears welling up, and spilling down my cheeks. Ohhhh the frustration….
I began to pace the hallways up and down, swearing, sighing, and carrying on like a spoilt child. I went outside and paced the backyard, trying to calm my nerves.
Then a girlfriend phoned me. She was a welcome distraction from the now frazzled state I had gotten myself into.
“Do you know how many people would be jealous of you?” she asked me. She was getting me off the topic of tax.
“Jealous of ME? Why?” I asked incredulously.
“Do you know how many people are unhappily married, yet they stay in it, because they aren’t brave enough to say good bye?”
Twice in two days I’d had that comment. I thought about it for a moment again.
And I thought to myself – you know what? She’s right.
Of course not everyone is unhappily married, or unhappily in a long term relationship, but there are a lot more that are in an unhappy relationship than will admit.
People are afraid to get out of their comfort zone. It’s scary as all shit. And it’s really hard in the beginning. Really, really, REALLY hard.
It brings about the unknown, and we all have a fear of the unknown.
And it raises all sorts of questions.
However I think the main concern that people might have is this one.
“But what if I never meet anyone again?”
But what if, by being brave enough to say goodbye, like Paulo Coelho writes, life rewards you with a new hello?
I have oddly enough, been graced with the “new hello”. I have met someone really special. I have been introduced to myself.
After 20 years of being part of another half, I am finally getting to know myself. Who I am. What moves me. What makes me tick. What I like. And even better than that. What I LOVE. What captivates, and spellbounds me. What has me completely mesmerised.
And it has highlighted my passion.
My passion for writing, above and beyond all else.
That’s why I have been so annoyed all week.
The fact that I have been forced to do my taxes.
I fucking hate numbers. I don’t understand them. I have an aversion to them. It is like a foreign language that I will likely never understand. And perhaps that’s where the problem lies. But more on that later.
More importantly, this bullshit mandatory tax has made me momentarily give up what I truly love. What makes me really happy. Writing.
(Oh, and just a side note – upon going to the office today, I was informed that “Cold and Flu” tablets make you angry. Apparently something to do with the pseudo-ephedrine in it, so it is a possibility that could also be having an effect).
So today, after finally dropping everything off to the accountant, I am back, tending to the love of my life. My love of the written word.
If life is like a book, Paulo Coelho also writes that it’s important to close certain chapters.
If you are truly done reading a certain book, then turn the page.
It’s not like you didn’t love the book you were reading. You will likely always love it. It’s a part of who you are. Or who you were. Part of your story. But that book has been read. It is done. That story has been told. You have to thank it for the experience, and move onto the next chapter of your life, wherever that may lead you. And whilst it’s daunting, it’s also liberating.
If what you truly desire with all of your heart, is to be able to close a certain chapter so you are able to move onto the next, then muster up all of your courage and just do it. If it has become more than apparent that a romantic union is over, let it go. With all of your heart, release it off into the ethers. Embrace it warmly, and then, be brave,and let it go.
In Fight Club, Tyler Durden says, it is only after you have lost everything, that you are free to do anything.
In a lot of ways, I have lost everything. Not in the material realm of course. However a lot of times there, I thought I may have been losing my mind.
I’ve released everything from my old life that defined me. That defined who I thought I was as a person. As a woman. In fact, I think it’s taken me this long to become the woman that I know I now am.
Or maybe, it really is like a maths sum.
Sometimes the equation no longer adds up. You accidentally keep hitting the clear button, and just keep on going back to the beginning, and nothing is evolving in the way that it should to nurture your soul. You’re no longer moving forward. You just cannot get to the right answer. There is no solution. No conclusion. It was always a foreign language from the very beginning.
So let it go. Accept that you probably just couldn’t really figure it out from the very start.
Life is like that sometimes. Try as hard as you may, some things just never make sense.
Lessons are in everything we touch. In everything we encounter. In every person who graces us with their presence. In everything we attempt to decipher and unravel with everything in our lives. Keep your eye on the prize. Don’t ever think you don’t deserve it.
So as always, follow your heart. Be brave. If what makes you brave is saying goodbye – do it. Because life will absolutely reward you with a new hello. Listen to what your heart is silently and magnetically drawing you towards, and only then will you find your treasure.
“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure. You’ve got to find the treasure, so that everything you have learned along the way can make sense.”