DEAR WOOLWORTHS…

Upon waking at the excellent time of 7am, after very little sleep, I remembered that I didn’t have any milk to make my morning coffee.

I rely heavily on stimulants to assist in my messed up circadian rhythm, and to help me write, and today was no exception.

I spent 2 hours on the phone with my girlfriend in London, before deciding that I REALLY wanted a coffee, with milk in it, so I changed out of my pyjama pants, and into something half decent to go grace your establishment with my presence.

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I kind of think I deserve some type of award, or at least a cuddle for leaving the house looking like a junkie when I reside in such a conservative suburban area, that is known as the “Bible Belt”. Which is kind of ironic, particularly as I am an atheist. I got more than a few disapproving stares as I wandered into the supermarket resembling a drug addicted band member, making a beeline for the milk fridge.

More on that in a moment.

Before I entered your establishment, I was looking for parking.

I’m a really bad driver, and I find attempting to park the very bain of my existence. That, and autocorrect. Do you know how frustrating it is to type “fucked” into your phone, only to have it changed to “ducked”? I mean, what’s THAT about?

Just to give you an idea of the type of parking skills I possess, check out this parking manoeuvre I pulled a few weeks back.

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I actually parked ON your trolley bay. Do you know how difficult this was? To precariously balance my tyre on an oversized gutter? It was pretty embarrassing when someone decided to take a photo of my excellent indiscretion and post it on social media. Lucky for me, I did not give a shit. I will freely admit that I am a very bad driver. And parker.

Anyway, I digress.

I noticed a lot of “parents with prams” parking spaces free. If I were a complete asshole, I would have definitely occupied one of these spaces. Sometimes I go shopping late at night, and I also consider parking in these spaces. Especially because there is a method to my madness on this. Why are parents bringing children in prams to the supermarket after 9pm anyway? Shouldn’t they be asleep?

It got me thinking about assigning car spaces to people like me, who only want to frequent your store for a matter of minutes.

Why don’t you have 5 minute parking? I think you should really think about that at your next board meeting.

But more importantly, as milk is a staple, why is it not kept at the FRONT of the store?

Why do I have to navigate my way to the very back of the store to get my essential item?

It’s really inconvenient.

And I really don’t like your self checkout area.

These “parents with prams” people often allow their children to scan their grocery items.

Which always results in Olympic style eye-rolling, leg shifting, morbid thoughts, and heavy sighing from me.

How is it legal to allow a 4 year old to moonlight as a checkout chick?

Oh that’s right, it’s not.

So essentially, not only does my 5 minute shopping expedition turn into an absolute ordeal, I’m forced to park at the back of your car park to make way for these little people that aren’t even old enough to pay taxes. And don’t get me started on the trials of paying tax…

So as you can tell from this letter, not only am I sleep deprived, and feeling particularly creative this morning, I really feel as though I have some valid points.

So let’s break it down. How about you discuss these pressing concerns at your next meeting?

1. Introducing 5 minute parking, and a curfew for “parents with prams”

2. Moving milk to the front of the store

3. Your self check outs being like the rides at an amusement park, with a minimum height requirement of 120cms (I JUST make the cut)

4. Oh, and this one last thing. Once when I was at your store, I watched in stupefied amazement as a woman clothes-lined herself on one of your trolley signs in the car park. It was really cool. But it’s pretty dangerous come to think of it. I know only a few signs are of this height, but I mean really, it does come down to that whole “you had one job” thing doesn’t it? That guy really needs to be replaced. So, as in point 3, I think that it would kind of make sense to utilise these children under the height of 120cms to return trolleys to the trolley bay, and not waste my precious time at the self check out while I painfully wait for them to treat your store as if it were an actual amusement park.

Yours sincerely,

Amy Anka.

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