This is a letter I wrote to a very special friend this morning. My soul sister.
I have been writing a lot of letters lately.
This was going to be emailed to her, however I’ve decided to do something a little different and publish it instead, because I am so grateful for everything she has done for me in terms of rebuilding my broken spirit.
No names will be mentioned as that part is private, but I hope that everyone gets to find a friendship as pure and sacred as the one I have with this beautiful soul.
I wanted to make you a video blog. Especially because you always say you like them. Even if I think they’re really shit. I think a lot of the things I do suck. I’m a complicated work in progress as you know. And you are aware that I constantly doubt myself and often feel like a fraud.
The reason I didn’t make you a video blog is because I would get too emotional. I know I’d cry. And I really hate showing emotion in public like that. Even if I happen to do it on a more regular basis than anyone else I know. I am actually writing you this letter through a haze of tears right now. Because it’s coming from such a pure place. It’s coming straight from my heart.
Don’t you think it’s so strange how our paths crossed?
I always go back to Steve Jobs quote on hindsight. About not being able to connect the dots looking forward.
If it weren’t for your own trials that you endured, you wouldn’t have ever been in contact with me. It’s funny how you almost had to go on that particular journey in order to get to me. It couldn’t have happened any other way.
You have held my hand like no one has ever done before. You have helped me no end with my writing.
Pushing me, and pushing me to continue on even when I wanted to give up. Forbidding me from publishing certain things. You don’t get to decide on whether I publish this today though.
You would speak to me for hours and hours. You would allow me to fall apart and you would be there to put me back together. Every single time. I know it’s been just as traumatic for you as it has been for me. But you have been the voice of reason where I cannot make sense of anything. When the end of that tunnel seemingly beared no light.
I was always able to be completely candid with you. You would hear my voice sometimes began to tremble when I explained certain things to you, and you would tell me “It’s ok. Let it out”.
I sometimes wept on these occasions. Like this morning when we were speaking. And you heard me inhale sharply, before going silent. Holding my breath to try to get rid of the tears that I knew were about to flow.
“If you want to cry, cry. Don’t hold it in.”
And I did.
You have never made me feel ashamed or embarrassed of being so stupidly sensitive. Of falling apart. Of sometimes being a complete mess.
You forced me to get out of my comfort zone for the longest time, before discovering, upon digging a little deeper, that whilst I’m worldly and wise beyond my years, that I’m also that scared little girl who doesn’t know much at all.
I’ve been able to call upon you for anything I have needed.
I know you’re still there for me, but I know by helping me, I have also helped you to be the brave warrior gypsy princess that you have always been. And you have now begun your new journey.
Whilst I have come a long way in the past 4 months, I know now, that you’re waiting on me to come that little bit further. Not all the way of course, but to meet you halfway. To begin my own journey.
I am really scared. I know you know that. But I’m almost there. I promise I will stop being so stubborn.
I know you’re going to take care of me when I get to where I’m going.
So I want to thank you with every piece of my being for helping me the way that you have. That I’m so grateful for having a friend like you.
And to know that, I will be seeing you very soon.
All my love,
P.S. I couldn’t not leave you a quote. Love you xxx.
“You can run away from yourself so often, and so much, just because the broken pieces of you cut your feet too deeply if you stay around for too long. But then what if someone were to come along and pick up those pieces for you? Then you wouldn’t have to run away from yourself anymore. You could stop running. If someone sees you as something worth staying with— maybe you’ll stay with yourself, too.” – C. JoyBell C.