CHASING AMY

How the hell am I supposed to write a book?

This is what I am meant to be doing.

Collecting all of my energy and channelling it into a book. Writing my memoirs. People are counting on me to deliver.

I write everything from my phone, which is pretty sad. Typing everything out with my right thumb.

My friend in London was astonished when she learnt of this the other day.

“You have got to be kidding me. You write from your phone? Amy, your whole writing style will change if only you’d write from a laptop. It’s like a dancer who can only use one limb!”

She scolded me in exasperation.

Now I do have a laptop. A very old one. Every now and again I do sit down and write from my laptop. Yet my writing does not improve. In fact, the things I write from my laptop are somewhat difficult.

I pour my soul out through my fingers onto the keyboard. But it always becomes too confronting for me. Too emotional. And I get up and leave it unfinished each time.

In fact, sometimes I cry. It becomes too much for me to have to dig that much deeper and write about the other stuff in my life. The stuff that’s not as mundane as the usual crap I write about. Even if I do have a knack of creating something out of nothing.

It’s like I cannot go there yet. Like I’m not ready. It somehow doesn’t agree with me right now. Or perhaps I’m just in the wrong space.

It’s funny the things in life that don’t agree with you. Things that no longer serve your evolution. The places you tire of.

Here in Byron Bay where I’m currently writing, from my phone, with one thumb, laying on my bed, listening to the crashing sounds of the ocean, feeling the soft breeze caressing my skin – it just feels right.

I spent a solitary 5 hours today swimming, reading, walking, swimming some more. Walking some more. I’m also really, really sunburnt.

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Taking in the smells and sounds around me, walking to the bridge with the tea-tree lake beneath it that has it’s strange reddish brown hue, like a soup of English breakfast tea, looking up into the sky filled with fast moving white puffy clouds, trying to decipher what shapes they are, smelling that delicious intoxicating ocean air that has this strange magnetic charge to it that never fails to lure me into it’s cool, clear, yet tumultuous waters.

Wondering to myself “should I call this place home?”

There is a familiarity here for me.

Byron Bay is an alternate town, with lots of creative types here.

Just this afternoon on my stroll I passed a woman sitting on the side of the bush track, sketching some trees on her sketch book.

There are musicians, sculptors, painters – you name it. It seems like the ideal place for any artist to be. To find that inspiration we so desperately seek in order to create.

So again I questioned myself “should I call this place home?”

Yesterday I walked to the shops. I greeted every passerby with my friendly smile. I glided into the little convenience store and bought myself an ice-block, and dawdled back slowly towards to beach.

Then I realised something. Something I hadn’t thought of in a long time.

I noticed for once how I was “feeling” rather than what I was thinking. And I was happy.

Effortlessly blissful.

I used to say that my ideal life would include me being in a bikini all day, a pair of shorts, a tank top, a pair of thongs (flip-flops for my non-Australian readers), hair in dreads, a hat, and no makeup.

I gazed down at myself. I’ve arrived.

I then looked at a photo my Aunty took of me the other day on the beach.

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I’ve gained back the weight I desperately needed to put on, I’m well rested, and I’m smiling. Is this what happiness looks like?

Is happiness a destination?

Or are we always there yet certain places, certain thoughts, certain people, dull our shine to the point where all we have in us is this longing for bliss?

So perhaps it’s time. To literally start “Chasing Amy”.

Who is she? What does she like? How can she write this book?

Is Byron Bay the place to chase her destiny?

Who knows.

But either way, I’ve certainly begun that long journey of discovery of self, by stepping away from the unfamiliar where bliss is no more, and chasing the familiar of where the compass of my soul is now pointing.

So is the chasing of Amy going to just be metaphoric? Or is it going to be literal?

Watch this space…

AND I’M NEVER COMING BACK

I feel this way about beautiful Byron Bay.

I came up here last Friday. I don’t know when I’m going back home. In fact, there’s no reason for me to go back. I’ve come to the realisation that I have very little to go back to. In the spiritual sense at least.

I came away for some rest. For some space. Some distance. For some clarity. To learn how to breathe again. To get some sleep. To be with myself. To remove my physical self from everything familiar.

I have also not been able to write. I have been troubled and tormented with my thoughts. I haven’t been able to connect with my soul until today. So today is a rather long piece. An outpouring of sorts.

I have had lots of messages since I’ve been away. Ones that haven’t left my train of thought.

My first message came through my Aunty’s friend. A world renowned psychic. We saw her last week.

She told me that I have always been in love with being in love. But to not lead with my emotions.

An impossibility for me, but one that I will attempt to master. Yet some of my best writing comes from an emotional place, so I cannot switch it off completely.

My beautiful friend in London who I have a unique connection with, has also sent me the most beautiful and profound messages since I’ve been away.

She says that there’s a bizarre anaesthesia injected into us when we are going through any type of trauma. To help us get through it.

I am not going to discount the fact that my 20 year relationship coming to an end has taken a significant toll on me.

It has been very traumatic. Soul destroying in so many ways. Confronting.

Your soul becomes enmeshed with that of another, and to separate yourself from that familiarity is painful. So yes, it is a trauma. And one that I need to heal from.

She gave me the advice of “removing yourself from your life. Step back, and become an observer”.

She then went on.

“You have this incredible aura. That’s because you are closest to having angel qualities. I love you in such a short time. You’re so special. You’re there to shine and radiate the life force that so easily can be absorbed and shared by you. I hope you take this time in Byron to heal yourself with whatever measures you need to take. Feel what it is like to have clarity and control of all your senses. Be an empty vessel and just see what your force will do for you.”

Now this part may be confusing to some. The bit about “your force”.

It’s difficult to try to explain, but I believe my force is Ganesh – the remover of obstacles. He featured heavily everywhere I went for a while there. I’d see him in bars, shop fronts, in people’s gardens. The statue of him that is.

I cannot help but to try to decipher what the universe is trying to tell me. To follow the signs. It’s just the way I am.

I hadn’t seen him for quite some time. In fact, the Ganesh statue that lives in my office had unfortunately lost a limb. His arm magically dropped off one day for no reason at all. My friend told me that he took a hit for me.

So it had been months since I’d seen him. And then I saw him twice within the space of an hour.

First on a woman’s handbag, and then at my Aunties friends house last week. And I knew then that my “force” was with me.

“When you look at the skies, he will put on a show for you and colour the heavens. .. The clouds will dance for you and play charades with you through the shapes they make. The water will play music for you. There will be so much your force will be trying to communicate to you. .. Just to let you know that it’s caring through this time but you just have to stop and live in the moment and be aware.”

Now usually I only last up in Byron Bay for less than a week. Yet there has been some sort of an energetic shift within me this time. So much so that my Aunty even felt it. In fact, it happened just yesterday. Both of us had to give ourselves a time out after it.

My Aunty napped all afternoon, while I disappeared for a good 3 hours on my own. I needed to be alone.

I went for a swim, I listened to music, I went for a long walk, getting lost in nature, before taking an hour long stroll along the beach.

Watching the wind whip up the waves. Breathing in the sweet, moist ocean air. Feeling the cool, soft sand beneath my feet. Watching the colour drain from the sky, and change to that purple duskish hue as the sun set behind the hills. I stayed away until my balance returned. Until I was centered again. Until I could breathe again.

After being away from my home, I ordinarily begin to miss it. My bed, my friends, my “things”.

But not this time.

I feel as though I am home.

So if home is where the heart is, and we take our hearts everywhere with us, are we ever really away from home? Or are we so disconnected from our true selves that we can no longer make the distinction? To what is real?

Sure, I have a house in Sydney, but it no longer feels like “home” for some strange reason.

I feel as though I could never ever go back this time. Never ever.

Maybe it’s the soothing sound of the ocean here at night. Maybe it’s because I can walk to the beach whenever I feel like it. Or maybe it’s something else entirely.

Maybe I’ve finally learnt to connect with myself. To understand that I already have everything I need within to move forward and live my life.

It’s so much more than a house, than a car, than a great wardrobe full of clothes.

That’s just stuff. Just illusions.

And perhaps you really do have to die while you’re still alive, like all of the spiritual books try to teach.

Something in me has died.

Something has changed. To the point where I’ve journeyed to a place now in every sense of the word, that I can never come back from.

I have experienced a lot recently.

I have been brought to my knees by the universe, and it is in this position of prayer where I have cried out and begged for help.

I have suffered through feelings of loneliness, helplessness, self abandonment and rejection, and the involuntary culling of friends.

Yet through surrendering to what is, I am slowly rising to my feet once more.

So when I go back and reflect on the title of today’s article, I have to acknowledge that on a soul level, I have now been exposed to, and learned too much to ever be able to come back from where I find myself.

If there’s any lesson to today’s article, it’s to allow that “force” to be with you. Whether it’s Jesus, Buddha, Shiva or your soul.

Surrender to what is. Allow yourself to be still. Be quiet. Discover everything you need to know. Find yourself. And when you do, take it and run. Never come back. Never ever.

“And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?” – Rumi

A VERY SPECIAL REQUEST TODAY…

I’m honoured that I have been approached by Freedom Fighters Lawyers to help assist in raising awareness for 18 month old Angela who is suffering from a rare form of cancer. She starts some pretty aggressive chemo treatment in a month.

Freedom Fighters Lawyers are hosting a charity event in order to raise enough funds to send Angela and her family to Texas to get the treatment she desperately needs.

Their daughters name is Angela Sotiris.

Angela was a baby who was conceived after several attempts at IVF.

At just one year of age, doctors diagnosed her with a rare cancer called “Langerhans Cell Histioctosis”.

After several attempts at chemotherapy, the family has now been informed that the cancer has spread to her brain.

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The cancer is so rare that the doctors in Australia are referring to a doctor in Texas for assistance.

The doctors have given Angela a 20% chance of survival.

To add a spanner in the mix, the parents have also just been informed that they are pregnant with a second child.

This family has not asked for anything as they do not want to “burden” anyone with their problems.

They are devastated by this disease, and their struggle financially to afford treatment for their sick child is heartbreaking.

So today, the reason for this article is to ask if anyone would generously donate their function centre for a mid-week black tie benefit.

Freedom Fighters Lawyers are arranging to raise the funds for the family to go to Texas and have Angela treated.

They will arrange the catering, table decor and even entertainment.

Let’s dig deep to give this family a reason to smile again, and the hope that they so desperately need for the benefit of their daughter.

The family does not know about this, and they are hoping to surprise them once the arrangements are in place.

For anyone who is able to assist with this, please email Cassandra at ckalpaxis@live.com.au , or myself at amy@chasingamy.com.au

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” – Plato

I am shocked and saddened to learn of the news of the tragic passing of Charlotte Dawson today.

I met Charlotte through Twitter around 4 years ago, and maintained a friendship with her over the years,

She always supported my writing, often sending my articles out into the Twitterverse.

We had several private conversations throughout the years about our own personal battles of sometimes being in states of absolute despair, particularly that of the devastating toll that infertility has had on both of us as women.

My former husband spent quite a lot of time with her whilst filming Celebrity Apprentice that our company worked closely with. She was liked by all on set, was kind, and acted as mentor to the other contestants.

Charlotte assisted me just the other week when I approached her on how to deal with the recent abuse I received via Twitter over one of my articles. She was kind and gracious in advising me to try to ignore it and not engage, and to not doubt my writing abilities.

I do not know the circumstances surrounding her death, so I will not weigh in uninformed on this matter, however I will say this.

Bullying is never ok.

Whilst that old saying of “names will never hurt me” has some weight to it, it unfortunately isn’t entirely true in today’s society of social media technology.

Depression and mental illness is a potentially life threatening affliction, and one that should be taken seriously.

I am devastated at the loss of a strong and confident women who I looked up to on so many levels.

If you, or anyone you know is suffering, please reach out for help and seek assistance. Nobody should have to fight this battle alone. And please, be kind to one another.

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” – Plato

Lifeline – 13 11 14
Beyond Blue – 1300 224 636

SAY SOMETHING I’M GIVING UP ON YOU…

This is the second time in the space of a week that I have used a song title in my article title.

So what am I going on about today?

Ok, so I was quite reluctant to touch upon this subject, however I am PMSing like a woman possessed right now, and I’m quite emotional when I’m at the height of such an overwhelming roller coaster of hormones.

I’m talking about when two people separate in a relationship, how people cannot help but to not only take it personally, but also take sides.

I have unfortunately experienced this with people that I thought were my friends.

I have been cut off and ostracised from those that were supposedly mutual friends of both myself and my husband.

Now, I deliberately became quite reclusive in the months leading up to my recent separation. We all handle things the only way we know how.

Like I have stated previously, unless you have personally experienced a long term relationship breakdown, you have no idea what the people involved are going through.

It wasn’t high on my list of priorities to be actively social and matriculate as if everything were fine at home, when it quite clearly wasn’t.

In fact, I don’t think I’ve even been as stressed in my entire life, than what I have been in the past 2 years.

Any life altering situation will reveal people’s true colours as to who “has your back”, and sadly, it tends to create somewhat of a divide.

So when two people break up, does that also mean that you are breaking up with more than one person?

From personal experience, I would have to say, yes. Yes it does.

The dynamics shift, and loyalty is tested, and people cannot help but to pick a side.

One would hope that this wouldn’t be the case, as it’s not a battle to be fought, but it is.

And maybe it all comes back to a fairytale type of mentality – that there always has to be a villain and a hero.

But it’s really not like that at all.

Neither is a villain or a hero. And there certainly aren’t any winners when it comes to this type of situation.

Or maybe there’s opportunity in this type of scenario.

If it does come down to a test of loyalty, then perhaps something like this just illuminates who is a true friend, and who is not. It’s like an involuntary cull.

Perhaps it’s like cultivating that metaphorical garden after all.

Taking your garden back to basics and starting over.

There are 4 different types of friends that you will experience during a time of upheaval like this.

1. The ones who cut themselves off from both parties:

They don’t know what to say, and they would rather just remove themselves completely from the friend equation. These people are pretty much just “fair-weather” friends anyway. And they generally treat you as if you have some sort of highly contagious disease that they desperately don’t want to catch.

2. The ones who take the other persons side:

Maybe they never really liked you to begin with. Maybe they’ve judged the situation. Or maybe they are better friends with the other party.

3. The ones who take your side:

Same as the above really.

4. The ones who remain friends with both:

This is the best case scenario. Not too many are like this. It’s hard. And it’s hard because they genuinely like the both of you, and only want to see you both happy. And quite often, it ends up leading to an eventual divide anyway.

So where does the title come into it?

Well, we all like to live in hope. Hope that the people we assumed were our friends are going to magically rush to our side to support us in our time of need.

Yet their silence and distance speaks volumes and unfortunately unless they do say something, you have to cut the chord and give up on them.

And if it all does come back to the notion of a fairytale, then we cannot wait to be rescued by a knight in shining armour of sorts.

We have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, thank them for the experience, and release them. To surrender to what is.

I always say that it is only ourselves that can save us.

I do believe that there are lessons in everything.

The most important thing is to only have love and acceptance in your heart, and to try as hard as you can to not take things personally.

You cannot make anyone do anything they don’t want to do.

We just have to keep on moving forward, and time will reveal who our true friends are, and to give yourself the distance and time to grieve the loss of everything that comes with a relationship breakdown. It will get better. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Life, after all is a journey. So continue on your destined path. Keep walking, and have faith that you will arrive at your destination eventually.

“If we walk far enough,” says Dorothy, “we shall sometime come to someplace.” – L. Frank Baum

INCEPTION

Last night I went and visited my friends up at their Hawkesbury River property. They have just moved up there permanently.

So they have their weekender, and now their residence.
I hadn’t seen them for a few weeks, so I thought I’d go and congratulate them on their purchase.

We drank beer, ate bacon and egg sandwiches, and spoke about our lives, before my friend commenting on my “sage smudging” video blog I had posted the other week.

His wife became interested in what it was about. So I explained it to her.

“Come do my new house!” She excitedly exclaimed.

“Ok. I’ll pop past tomorrow.”

I headed up there today, equipped with my sage wand.

I drove into their property a little after 1pm.

Their new residence is on 25 acres, with river views in the distance.

Large eucalyptus trees flank the property, along with frangipani trees dotted here and there. The smell of the native flora and fauna hangs heavily in the air. The ever present sound of bellbirds is the only noise to reassure us that we haven’t gone spontaneously deaf, far away from the regular sound of suburbia. That, and the torrential downpour of rain today.

I saged their home (as well as them) to clear any negativity (it’s nice that people are open minded about these things), and then we went and relaxed on their verandah.

For some reason, “Vagisal” (the feminine product), came up in conversation.
My friend announced that his son used to wash his face with it before he realised what it was.

I laughed, and he went on.

“Yeah his sisters then told him if he washes his penis with it, it will turn into a vagina”.

More laughing now. Sisters…

“Oh as if. You’re such a liar”, my friends son complains, embarrassed we were poking fun at him.

My friends son then asks if I want to go quad bike riding.

“Sure” I answered, without hesitating. I am relatively pliable these days.

“Don’t be stupid with her Adam”, my friend called out as I mounted the bike.

He is 17 and fearless after all.

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I wound my arms tightly around my young buddies waist and off we went, spinning around the sprawling bush area of their property.

Winding dangerously through the trees, through puddles, going sideways, and almost over a jump that I protested against. After all, we were not filming an episode of “Jackass”.

We return to the house and I am now covered in flicks of mud from my legs, all the way up to my back.

Young Adam graciously hosed me down, before him and his buddies asked if I wanted to go water-skiing.

“Nah. I don’t have my cozzies.”

“Didn’t stop you last time”
“I know. Next time. I promise”

So what did I learn from today.

I learnt that people are much more open-minded than you assume.

Anyone who thinks I’m mad because I’m open to most things in life, is just stubborn and set in their ways. And afraid of new things – the origin of all avoidance is fear.

What harm can a smouldering bunch of herbs do anyway?

Whatever works right?

Next, my “place of yes”, seems to be well and truly intact.

I would have water-skied today, despite the terrible weather, however I stayed up until 1.30am watching “Inception” and I was not as full of beans as usual. What a trippy movie that was…

Quad bike riding is fun, and unless you embrace fear and stop overthinking things, you won’t ever get to experience anything new. And who cares if you happen to get dirty.

Everything in life is only temporary anyway. All things can change in the blink of an eye.

And like the movie inception, everything is just perception, projection, and illusions.

In fact, the definition of inception is as follows:

“The beginning of something, such as an undertaking; a commencement.”

So if inception can only occur when you begin something, when you commit to an undertaking and subsequent commencing of, why not “begin”?

What are you afraid of? What are you putting off? What is holding you back from trying new things?

All avoidance comes down to fear.

Fear acts as a preventative. A preventative from having the courage to live life to the fullest. To open your mind.

But does that fear of the unknown mean you are missing out on some really fun stuff?

So why not stop saying no to things, and start saying yes for a change. Switch up your “routine”.

Everything begins as a thought. An idea.

An idea acted upon can change your entire outlook.

So surrender to fear, and embrace an idea – you never know where it might lead. And it could possibly change you in ways you never dreamed possible.

And let me end this piece with a quote from “Inception” for some further inspiration.

“What’s the most resilient parasite? An idea. A single idea from the human mind can build cities. An idea can transform the world and rewrite all the rules.”

LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE

So my friend sent me a link to a site by a woman named Rori Ray.

She gives relationship advice.

An article I read the other day addresses an issue that a lot of women have – men that don’t treat them with the respect they deserve.

So I’m going to chime in, in regards to some of the tips she has offered:

1. Ditch the bad boys:

Why ARE some of us addicted to the bad boys? Is it the thrill of it? Because we need validation from the opposite sex on our own self worth?

Or is it because we feel so crap about ourselves and we are operating on that lower frequency? Change the vibration and you’ll weed out the bad boys.

2. Ditch the hard-to-get:

Do you really want to be playing games, and second guessing all the time? You will expend an enormous amount of energy trying to catch this person. And they don’t want to be caught. AND it will be exhausting.

3. Ditch the distant, the unavailable, the porn-addicted, the confused:

Why would you want someone who is distant? Someone who shows no interest in you as a person? Who doesn’t support and encourage your dreams and passions?
Someone unavailable? Why even go there? It can only end in heartbreak. A lot of men are unavailable. They may be emotionally immature, just in it for a good time, or worse yet – married.

The porn-addicted? Most guys love porn, but when it becomes an addiction? Totally different ball game. Men that are addicted to porn are often highly sexed and have a skewed view on not only sexuality, but also what sex is all about.

In fact a lot of guys use the facade of love as a means to sex. So they sweet talk their way into your pants with an ultimate goal in mind. And women use sex as a means to love.

We think that by giving a man what he desires, that he will love us in turn. Get why it will never work? You both have to be on the same page.

Someone that is confused? They don’t know what they want. And they sure as hell don’t know whether or not they want you. Stop wasting your time.

4. Ditch any man who isn’t “into you” the way you want:

This is so important. If they only want you when it suits them, and this suits you, more power to you.

However if you want him to be into you – into everything about you, and he’s not?

Time to unfortunately say goodbye.

Any man that picks you apart at the seams for your flaws (we all have flaws – none of us are perfect), will never accept you for who you are. They are the ones that are unhappy with themselves, so don’t allow them to dump their toxic bullshit on you.

And if there’s one thing I know, it’s that you can’t change anyone. You can’t make them see. You’re the only one who has to “see”. So recognise that he’s probably just not that into you (and all your “perfect imperfections”).

5. Ditch your romantic fantasies and make up new ones:

Don’t we all have romantic notions about what love should be? Life, unfortunately, is not a movie or a Nicholas Sparks novel (although I personally cling to the romantic idea that it can be).

So while I do agree with this statement a little, I also think that you should remain hopeful and use the power of manifestation.

So here’s an exercise for you.

Write down what you want out of a life partner. Like a bucket list of sorts. This is how you manifest things. You send that vibrational energy out into the universe.

Want someone tall, and athletic, with green eyes, old fashioned values, who is stoked to curl up on the couch with you and watch a movie? Who cooks you dinner, cleans up afterwards, and then gives you a massage? Someone that allows you the freedom to be you, and supports you in everything? Who respects you?

Write it down.

You honestly don’t know what might happen if you state your claim with the universe.

What? Thought you were going to escape the head-in-the-clouds, whimsical advice I tend to offer up?

No chance. Because I cannot help but to remain true to my beliefs, and I do believe that what you think about, you bring about.

So start loving yourself enough to understand and appreciate your own worth, don’t let anyone treat you lesser than you deserve (you’re the only person allowing it – remember that), and always speak your truth.

And always remember one important thing – we are all like a mirror, attracting our innermost hidden states, so before you embark on the journey of finding a life partner or soulmate, first make sure the love you have for yourself is all-encompassing.

Because after all…like attracts like.

ALL OF ME

How could I NOT write about Valentines Day today?

Ok, I know I’ve already done a Valentines Day article this week, but I can’t resist writing about it today like the hopeless little romantic I am.

I know that “All Of Me” song by John Legend has been out for a little while now, but I just can’t stop listening to it.

I had an attack of OCD yesterday. I decided everything was dirty. This is always how it begins…

So first I stripped the bed, and washed the sheets, and then I cleaned the house.

I then went outside and washed my car. Then I decided to hose everything.

I spent a therapeutic hour hosing down the backyard, and then my driveway.

I have a very long driveway, so I decided to grab my headphones, and listen to music whilst I was doing it.

I selected the above mentioned song, and put it on repeat.

Listening to the words in that song gave me chills.

And then I had a thought.

Isn’t this the type of love we all want?

The head in the clouds, impossibly romantic, adoring, all-consuming, swept off your feet kind of love? To be placed upon a pedestal and worshipped?

The love where the other person inspires you to become the best possible version of yourself? Where you are completely infatuated and head over heels in love? Where you see all of the beauty and flaws and love them with all of your being?

I adore all the words in this song, but there’s a few that just make me want to find this John Legend and give him a big kiss (but hey, Ryan Gosling, if for some bizarre reason you happen to be reading this, you are still my number one buddy).

“What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You’ve got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright”

(if someone could just “get” me like this….And not knowing what to do without my smart mouth? Boy, oh boy…)

“Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning”

(you’re my end, and my beginning? My perfect imperfections? Someone slap me and hose me down)

“How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse”

(there’s nothing beautiful about me when I cry, so if I can find this man who thinks that? And who’s around through every mood? I’m someone’s muse? Oh. My. Gawd. Man, he’s a keeper…)

So again, I wish everyone a Happy Valentines Day, and I hope you all have a fabulous day, and if you don’t get something, or don’t have anyone to get something for, go buy yourself something. I’m actually buying myself a goldfish today, because I heard they’re good Feng Shui – hey, whatever gets you there right? (Even though I’m a crazy Gemini and my evil twin really wants to buy two of those fighting fish to witness a fight to the death…)

And don’t stop searching for that soul mate who wants ALL of you. Nothing less.

SUPERMARKET THOUGHTS

You know what I’m talking about…

The thoughts we have at the supermarket. We all have them.

Yesterday I hit the gym again after a sabbatical to try and gain some weight after having lost it somewhere during the past month.

I was beginning to resemble Rachel Zoe’s long lost twin for a second there, but I’ve managed to gain the few kilos back now.

Thank you beer.

So I hit the gym, felt excellent for having done it (I was even welcomed back by the staff which I’m not sure if that’s sad or flattering), and headed to the supermarket to grab a few things for dinner. I was having a girlfriend over.

I was my usual self again, I felt energetic, and my mind over thinking with it’s usual stream of nonsense.

I wandered towards the milk fridge.

“Ohhh, yesssss. I can buy the milk that I like. My husband didn’t like this milk” as I grab the milk I prefer.

I wandered down the bread aisle.

“Hmmm. Do I want soy and linseed? Or pumpkin seed bread? Soy and linseed. Oh look, hot cross buns. Is it Easter already?”

I went to walk down the chocolate aisle. There was a woman dawdling in front of me in a daze, taking up the entire aisle.

“C’mon lady. It’s not normal to walk that slow.”

I then went to the toiletry aisle.

Again, another woman having a little micro sleep, and blocking my path.

“Hurry up fuckwit.” (God I’m mean sometimes in my head. Patience really is a virtue.)

Then I approached the body wash section.

“Hmmm. Mango and cocoa butter.”

I proceeded to unscrew the cap to see if I liked it.

“Mmmm….It smells like lollies.”

Then I spotted another one. Jasmine and green tea. I unscrewed that one.

“Oh, yes. I like this one much better.”

Then I remember I needed soap too.

“Soap, soap, soap…” (I’m tracing swirly lines in the air now searching for it – as if that helps)

“Ah. Soap” (upon locating it) “Why is soap so expensive?”

Then I head to the self service checkout. It’s very busy, and there’s a long queue.

I shuffle impatiently from foot to foot, complaining in my head at the length of time it takes for some people to scan their shit.

“C’mon bitches!”

It’s also around 4pm, so there’s a bunch of school kids with their parents. The parents are letting them scan the groceries. At an astonishingly slow speed.

“Really?” (I roll my eyes now, and mentally slap myself across the face for being a secret bitch).

My turn now. I walk to the checkout.

I then scan my items with great difficulty.

I accidentally scan my barcode on the keyring that contains my little gym swipey thing, wondering if that’s my karma for being so judgemental in my head.

“Excuse me” I say this audibly, trying to get the attention of the store assistant. “I’m sorry, I accidentally scanned my keyring thing”

She sorts it out for me.

“Oh, um, excuse me” I call out to the attendant again. I’ve clumsily scanned the little barcode on an avocado. Stupid me.

“See? Karma” my mind chimes in.

I then head to the liquor store to buy some wine. My girlfriend likes this Brown Brothers wine. Something called “Sienna”.

I search the store everywhere for this bottle and simply cannot find it.

“Excuse me? Can you help me? I’m looking for a wine. It’s a chilled red called Sienna” I ask the store assistant.

He wanders over to the shelf I had already walked past at least 3 times.

“Here you go.” He hands me the bottle.

“Oh it’s “Cienna”, with a “C”, not an “S” ” I say to him.

He looks at me like I’m an idiot.

“Why do you always have to speak?” my mind complains at the unnecessary comment I had just made.

I pay, and make my way to the car.

“Ugh, look how I parked. What an asshole” I say to myself as I observe that I’ve parked over the line and left no space for anyone else to park next to me.

I get into my car, and drive home.

So what’s the lesson in today’s article?

Well, all of us have “supermarket thoughts”. Of course our thoughts are not limited to the supermarket. We are constantly thinking.

Next, sometimes I can be really horrible with my thoughts. Aren’t all of us like this at times?

And next, I believe in karma.

I was not being nice with my thoughts, and the universe served me as a result, with a lesson in humility.

Oh, and I really need to learn how to park a car.

So I guess today’s advice is to stay positive with your thoughts, and try not to be judgemental and impatient.

Because what you think about, you really do bring about.

VALENTINES DAY IS UPON US…

I have never celebrated Valentines Day. I think it’s silly.

But if I’m being totally honest here, I only think it’s silly because I never get anything.

Still, I do believe that it is just a marketing ploy.

Restaurants are all overbooked, florists jack up their prices – you know how it goes…

However it’s also a day where a lot of us wonder if we are going to receive anything from either that special someone, our significant other, or the romantic notion of a secret admirer (yes, I watch too many romantic films).

Sometimes I think that a day like Valentines Day, with all of the commercial hype surrounding it, inadvertently sets us up for disappointment.

I don’t think I’ve ever received anything on Valentines Day. Which is totally fine. It is after all, just another day.

But with all of the chatter surrounding the day, it does make you wonder of anyone is thinking of you. Sometimes the day can be downright depressing for some of us. Because we are seeking that validation from an outside source as to whether or not we are cared about.

Whilst I do think it’s just another day, I am not immune to the marketing ploys surrounding this annual supposed celebration of love.

I am secretly living in hope that a bunch of flowers will arrive on my doorstep on Friday from some non-existent secret admirer. I think a lot of women harbour this untold desire.

In fact, just last week, I opened my front door one morning to find a beautiful little cactus in a glass fishbowl of sorts, sitting at my front door.

It was wrapped in a pink ribbon, with a note attached.

My heart skipped a beat as I turned the card over to see who had indeed left this gift for me on my doorstep.

With my hands trembling I excitedly read the note.

“Dear Amy, ……. Love, Jenna”

A wave of both gratitude and disappointment swept over me.

“Awww! That’s so sweet!” was my initial thought.

It was from my neighbours 18 year old daughter who happens to be a florist.

Then a sigh, realising there was no secret admirer after all.

Then I had another thought.

Why are we so taken by these little gestures?

Does it come down to what I mentioned earlier, validation?

Everyone wants to feel loved, cared for, and appreciated, yet the real gift we can give to ourselves is self appreciation. Caring for ourselves, and most importantly, loving ourselves.

But it is nice to know that someone is thinking of you, and sometimes these little gestures really are magical.

I’m very old fashioned (which I seen to have mentioned in a few of my recent articles – I guess I’m trying to explain my little ways). So my old fashioned advice to the men out there, is that if you do have that special someone in your life, those little gestures mean a lot. And my old fashioned advice to the women out there? Your man wants to feel appreciated too. In fact, I think men are even more appreciative of those little gestures. The day isn’t only about women – as much as we might like to think it is. A lot of pressure is put on men to shower the woman in their life with tokens of affection. So don’t forget about looking after your beau as well.

So for me personally, whilst it would be nice to receive something this Valentines Day (and if I had someone that I secretly admired, I would be sending them something too), I will treat it as the day it actually is – Friday…

….while secretly hoping, like the hopeless romantic I am, with my wild imagination, that a limousine filled with roses and balloons will show up to my home or office, where the chauffeur will get out of the car, blindfold me, drive me to a secret location at some secluded beach where a table for two will be set and Ryan Gosling is waiting there for me….lol.

But either way, I do wish everyone a Happy Valentines Day this Friday, and don’t be concerned over whether or not you get anything.

It really is only another day, and like my neighbour who thoughtfully left me that little plant on my doorstep, it showed me that I AM in someone’s thoughts regardless. And it’s even nicer to know that it was on an insignificant, random Thursday – not just on Valentines Day.