SHIT HAPPENS

I went to the supermarket last night in my super cool singlet that is low cut down to my waist.

I wear a strapless bra with it, but the bra is bigger than my breasts so I have some gapeage issues with it.

As I was leaning over to pack my groceries into the bag (I’m a Jedi at the self service checkouts, for anyone that ever has the pleasure of lining up behind me), I felt a cool breeze.

I looked down to notice that my super cool singlet had shifted to the middle of my chest, exposing my bra which had slipped down, and my nipple was on display for everyone to see.

The woman next to me kept clearing her throat. My God. How embarrassing.

I swiftly covered the offending nipple up and continued to pack my groceries at high speed.

I then went into the liquor store and bought a 6 pack of corona. I needed some alcohol to inebriate me in order to recover from the utter humiliation I had just experienced.

“Damn” I said in my head as I approached the counter.

The guy who serves me at least twice a week was behind the counter.

The one who surely thinks I’m an alcoholic.

The one who was also rostered on the night before when I had gone in there and bought a bottle of wine with my girlfriend before we went to dinner. The one who my girlfriend joked with that same night saying I’m an alcoholic.

“I’m not an alcoholic” I told him as I placed the beer on the counter. “I’m a writer. It helps me write.”

“What do you write about?”

How I detest that question.

“Just life.” I responded. God I sounded stupid. Why did I have to even speak to begin with?

It’s funny sometimes how we do stupid things and then feel the need to correct ourselves.

This whole embarrassing event took me back to the other times I’ve attempted to correct the dumb things I’ve done.

Like when I fell over once at the same supermarket in the carpark.

I was walking briskly (I’m a very fast walker), and I decided to take a short cut and walk through the garden.

I don’t know what I tripped on, but I caught my foot on something and fell over in the garden.

From my fellow bystanders I heard gasps and “ooohs” and that sound where people suck the air in through their clenched teeth where they wince up their face in empathic pain.

I quickly got up, and hurried to my car. My foot was killing me, but the humility was infinitely worse. So I walked normally back to my car, holding my breath the whole way.

“Ouuuuuuuccchhhh” I said in a hushed voice as I closed the car door.

I looked down at my foot which was now pissing blood. I think my heart stopped beating for a moment as I carefully inspected to ensure I still had five toes on that foot.

Serves me right for wearing thongs everywhere (flip flops for my non-Australian readers), which my neighbour teases me calling them “Japanese safety boots”.

Or the time I was in a gay bar in West Hollywood.

I went to use the restroom, and on my way out as I was making my way back to the bar, I was suddenly on the floor surrounded by go-go dancers helping me back to my feet.

Someone had spilt a drink on the floor and I had managed to slip on it faster than I even realised what was going on.

The go-go dancers were all like “Are you ok?” concerned I had injured myself. (In fact I did injure myself. I had a bruise on my left upper thigh, arse cheek, and hip for 2 weeks afterwards. I’m sure if if was possible to break your arse, I had done it).

Which I think made it even worse.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine!” I responded cooly, brushing off my embarrassing display of complete clumsiness, thankful that it was dark in there and nobody could see the shade of beetroot red I had turned.

I limped back to my girlfriend who was waiting for me with a cocktail in her hand.

“Here. I bought you another drink.” She told me as she handed it over.

“I think I’ve had enough to drink.” I responded.

She started laughing.

“I know! I saw you fall!”

Damn.

In life, we sometimes unfortunately have people bear witness to the embarrassing things that happen to us.

But it teaches you to hold your head high, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep on moving forward.

I guess these things tend to happen for a reason too. To remind you to retain your sense of humility, and remember that it happens to the best of us.

So the lesson in today’s article?

Wear appropriate clothing, watch where you’re going, and remember that shit happens.

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