The conversations I have with my mother are always exhausting.

However there’s very little actual conversing taking place, and it’s more of me just listening.

I often get up and leave absolutely exasperated after a certain amount of time.

Particularly as my mother treats me like a child quite a lot of the time.

I went over yesterday afternoon to hang out with her for a bit. It’s sad to admit, but I actually live 2 doors away from my parents. Which is both good and bad. And I actually went over to hang out with my Dad. But he was having a nap like the old man he is. So I steeled myself for some madness and sat down with her for a chat.

Mum: What have you got there? (I had a banana smoothie in my hand). Are you drinking?

Me: It’s a banana smoothie.

Mum: Are you eating?

Me: Of course I’m eating.

Mum: You’re very thin you know. You know you can have a heart attack if you don’t eat. Are you still smoking?

Me: I eat. Don’t worry. And no, I’m not smoking (I lied).

Mum: You liar.

Me: (silence)

Mum: You look very brown. Where have you been?

Me: Nowhere.

Mum: You have to be careful of skin cancer you know.

Me: (rolling my eyes) I know.

Mum: You look like you’ve been at the beach.

Me: Nah, not this week.

Mum: Did you hear about that guy that got killed by a shark in Coffs Harbour?

Me: Yeah I did. I don’t know why they don’t just kill all sharks.

Mum: You silly girl. They keep the oceans clean. Who do you think eats the whales that die out at sea? Would you like dead whales floating around while you’re swimming? I didn’t think so.

Me: (silence. I have nothing to say.)

Mum: We’ve booked our trip for August next year. I’ll have to book a chauffeur with you to get to the airport.

Me: It’s nine months away. Think about it in July.

Mum: Yeah I guess so. Nine months. I have time to have another baby then before I leave (my Mum is in her 60’s)

Me: (laughing)

Mum: What?

Me: Nothing.

Mum: I do have time. Wouldn’t that be something. It’d be like the immaculate conception.

Me: (laughing. My Mum also cracks a smile now too. She’s very funny when she wants to be)

Me: (my phone starts ringing. It’s one of our drivers and I can’t be bothered answering and I silence the call) I’m not answering that call. Fuck that.

Mum: Oh Amy don’t use that word.

Me: (silence)

Mum: You aren’t allowed to take a handbag on Emirates flights.

Me: I don’t know of any airline that doesn’t allow you to take a handbag.

Mum: Yes, it’s true. I read it online. Your father and I are going to Lufthansa too. Have you been there before? Is it a nice country?

Me: Lufthansa is an airline, not a country.

Mum: Are you sure? I don’t think you’re right. We’re going to Dubai too. Have you been there? What’s it like?

Me: Its an airline! (I yell that part) Yes, I’ve been to Dubai. Not a lot to see. But the desert safari is cool.

Mum: Desert safari?! And where do I go to the toilet? Are there toilets? I mean, who has toilets in the desert? What am I meant to do? Dig a hole in the sand and let a scorpion bite me on the arse? Or a snake? I’m not doing that.

Me: (silence)

Mum: We’re going to see The Sound of Music house too. Do you know how much I hate that film? We have to ride a bicycle there. I won’t be doing that. Your father can do that on his own. Not everyone can ride a bike you know.

Me: (silence)
Mum: (starting to read out the entire itinerary of her trip in 9 months time)

Me: Can I look at it later on?

Mum: No.

Me: So I don’t get an option as to whether or not I want to hear about it?

Mum: No.

Me: (silence while the entire month long itinerary is read to me)

Mum: I put the Christmas tree up yesterday.

Me: No you didn’t. Dad did it. I was here when he did it.

Mum: Oh well, same thing. It’s up.

Me: (silence, and smirking)

Mum: What are you smiling at? (she turns to the tv now) Oh look! You’re on tv! (an ad with Jennifer Hawkins comes on – she clearly has issues with her vision)

Me: I’m gonna go home now.

Mum: You’re going Alyssa? (Alyssa is my sister)

Me: I’m Amy.

Mum: Oh well, whoever you are. Take some mangoes with you.

Me: We had this conversation yesterday.

Mum: We did?

Me: We did.

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