Sometimes I wonder if I’m turning into “that woman”.
You know the one I’m talking about. That crazy Aunt we all have.
The one that’s into tarot cards, and mood rings. Detoxes and vegetarian meals.
As I went to my local liquor store the other day to purchase a bottle of wine, I said to the young guy behind the counter “you must think I’m an alcoholic”.
“Nah. I don’t think that at all.”
That’s what I think of myself actually.
I don’t drink that much. Just a glass here and there, however weighing in at barely 50 kilos, means the single glass has quite an effect.
I have found after 18 months of insomnia, I have sought the help of alcohol in order to assist in sedating me.
Insomnia is a funny thing. You think with a lack of sleep, you would eventually become tired. Not at all. You actually become increasingly anxious. Full of nervous energy that needs to be spent. What I’d give for a proper nights sleep. Probably the reason behind Tyler Durden starting Fight Club. To get rid of that extra energy. More on that later.
In my true contradictory fashion I had stopped in to purchase my bottle of plonk on the way home. On the way home from a 90 minute gym session.
Upon arriving home, I sat out in the garden in my gym clothes, poured myself a glass of wine, and lit up a cigarette.
If that’s not the definition of counter-productivity, I don’t know what is.
Oh, and after chain smoking 4 cigarettes with my glass of vino, I went back inside, showered, and made myself a chick pea salad.
I am both the picture of health, in addition to being a toxic wasteland.
And I had a thought. Well, I always have thoughts. But this one was a little more profound than the usual pondering of life’s mysteries. Like the random thoughts that occasionally pop into my mind. The ones that we keep to ourselves. “Do those Mexican girls that do the donkey shows like their job?”, “I wonder if vampires are really real?”. You know. Those ones.
So, I had a thought. Am I “that woman”? Am I “crazy Aunt Amy”?
Not that I have any nieces or nephews. Thank God for that. These non-existent children have truly been spared.
But have I morphed into that woman I swore I would never become?
The eccentric writer who occasionally resembles a bag lady. The one with no set routine. The one who won’t buy any appliances or sign any contracts during mercury retrograde.
Am I her?
I am two women. I am the free spirit, and I am the one who craves stability. I am the non-conformist, and the one who would like to know what normal looks like. I am the hobo and the glamour girl. I am aloof, yet very sensible. Cautious even. I exude confidence and charisma, coupled with self-doubt and awkwardness.
Don’t we all look like this on the inside? Tormented by our very selves?
Which brings me back to Tyler Durden and Fight Club.
What an appropriately named title for the film. Fight Club. The inner battle between consciousness and ego.
Eckart Tolle teaches in “The Power of Now”, that the ego relies on labels to identify with.
Have I inadvertently labeled myself?
My new neighbour invited me over for drinks one afternoon. Drinks. I can handle that.
My mind immediately began with its unstoppable thoughts.
“Will they like me? I’m so different compared to them. What am I going to talk about? They are the nuclear family I often wonder about. They are the 2.3 children, 4WD people.”
I reigned myself in. Centred myself.
“You are a nice person. You are kind, and honest, and interesting.”
That’s all that matters at the end. My heart is in the right place.
So am I “that woman”? No. I am me. No labels. Just me.
The first step in eliminating labelling yourself is acceptance. So accept yourself for the person you are.
While I am terrible at taking my own advice, I excel at dishing out pearls of wisdom.
Create balance in your life, get enough sleep, don’t overthink, never allow your ego to override your consciousness, and never buy any appliances during mercury retrograde.
So don’t label yourself. Don’t pigeonhole yourself into a stereotype. Lose the label. Free yourself.
Because like Tyler Durden says in Fight Club “It’s only after we’ve lost everything, that we’re free to do anything”.