WINE & WEARINESS

 

Yesterday I had a shit of a day.

Work was absolute chaos. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. I even had an abusive phone call from a client, where for the first time in my life, I was teetering on the edge of completely breaking down. But I held my composure. My voice was shaking as I attempted to reason with him calmly whilst simultaneously blinking back tears.

It’s funny how we can let people get to us. Particularly men. Dealing with the male ego is an arduous task at times.

Which brings me to dinner.

I met a girlfriend for dinner straight after work whose day was as equally shit as mine. She had been yelled at by her boss for not achieving her monthly targets. She was very upset and humiliated by him. We both looked as weary as each other. It’s amazing that another human being can have such a devastating impact on you. But at the same time, we enable it by not speaking up.

I am not a fighter. I back down very quickly at any sight of a confrontation. It makes me very stressed. I get flustered, and upset, and very often completely lose my train of thought. I don’t think this is a sign of weakness. I think this is a sign of good character. That we have such a gentle nature about us, that it’s a shock to the system when we are bamboozled in that manner by other individuals.

As we sat down to dinner, my girlfriend poured me a glass of wine. After drinking half a glass, I became more relaxed. In fact, I was a little drunk. I thought back to my “day on a plate” and realised it consisted of 3 coffees and an apple. The body is amazing in its ability to function on very little reserves. And I mean that in every way.

“I can now understand why people become alcoholics” I said to my friend honestly.

She laughed. But it’s true. If every day was as hellish as yesterday I would have no choice other than to medicate myself with alcohol to take the edge off.

And then I made another enlightened statement that made her put down her glass of wine, put both of her hands upon the table.

“You have had a breakthrough. I have never heard you say anything that makes more sense. Ever.” She said to me, astonished at what had been said. I’m not going to go into the comment that I made, as it is of a deeply private nature, however it made me think back to one of my own quotes that I’ve written in a previous blog post.

“People really do see a lot more than you give them credit for”.

Some people may take me for a fool because I mightn’t necessarily always speak up. But the comment that I did make is a reminder that I am very well aware of what is going on before me. I actually see everything. I am not a stupid woman. In fact, I am highly intelligent.

Many years ago, I used to have a client that was studying psychology. His theory was that everyone (aside from the few of us who are enlightened / aware / conscious) is always projecting. So if someone says hurtful things to you, it is generally because they are hurt, and they want you to hurt. If someone constantly picks you apart, that has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their own perceived inadequacies. And people who judge (where you live, what kind of car you drive, how much money you earn), live in fear of judgement themselves. The same can be said of those who are overweight. They are almost always lacking in some emotional department. And those of us who are underweight? Yep, something is eating away at us.

The dangerous trap though that we fall into is thinking its about us. It’s really not. It’s about them.

So what is the purpose of this story? Stay strong, stay confident, keep your own self-worth in tact, and nobody else’s words or actions will be able to permeate that ever. It’s something I’m not so good at 99% of the time. But I’m learning. As I said, I see everything, and I’m certainly no wallflower. We all know what we need to do, we just have to stop being self-limiting in every way, and just do it.

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