TOP TEN FEARS

Now I am a fearful person. I fear lots of things, and some of them irrationally, but once explained properly, actually make perfect sense – to me anyway. Here is a list of my top ten fears below:

Sharks – I saw “Jaws” in my youth and it scarred me for life. The image of that shark coming out of the water and “roaring” (yes it roared – me and my sister have laughed about this often) ensured that I never swim out where I can’t see the bottom. Also, when I was young, my sister and I found a small shark washed up on my Grandpa’s beach (Turimetta Beach in Warriewood), and we freaked the fuck out and never swam at his beach ever again.

Spiders – as I have mentioned in my “insomnia” post, I have been bitten four times. The first time I was bitten was when I was about 4 or 5 years old. I had just finished watching “Poltergeist” with my mother (thinking back now, I can’t understand for the life of me why my mother would make me sit through such a terrifying movie anyway), and I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, and a Huntsman spider jumped out of the sink (yes, they jump), and bit me on my knee (oh yes they bite, and it hurts, and don’t let anyone tell you they don’t bite because that’s bullshit – they just wont make you sick). The 2nd time I was about 19 and one was in a pair of pants I had on and bit me on the ass, and the 3rd time I was bitten on my foot in the garden (as I often walk around bare-foot like a homeless person), and the 4th time I was bitten on the forehead when I was vacuuming the ceiling (yes, I vacuum my ceiling. This is how I clean cobwebs – I am very small and I can’t reach with a feather duster). So yes, I am terrified of spiders.

The dentist – I am completely terrified of the dentist. I hate everything about the dentist. I hate the chair, the smell of the rubber gloves, that suction thing they put in your mouth – everything. The last time I was there was when I was 19 (so around 4 years ago…..plus 10). He x-rayed my mouth, and told me that my wisdom teeth would need to come out as they were compacting my teeth. I said ok, and never ever went back again. My teeth are now crooked as a result, and I have developed a mild speech impediment where i have a slight lisp on certain words such as “snatch”, and other words – actually I think its more words than I realize because when I recently discovered how to change my voicemail on my phone, and listened back to my message, I lisp on quite a few words.

Running out of toilet paper – This may be seen as an irrational fear, but I certainly don’t think so. Running out of toilet paper would suck balls, and to alleviate this ever happening, I have a constant large supply in my bathrooms to ensure this never happens.

Starving – This is another irrational fear. I have this fear that I will go somewhere, get hungry, and not only will I not have anything to eat, but that I’ll starve to death. It’s a stupid fear because, A. There are places to buy food everywhere, B. I’m not a big eater anyway, so why would I possibly starve, and C. I rarely go far enough from home to warrant such a fear. But nevertheless, one thing you can always find in my bag is snacks. Pieces of fruit, muesli bars, nuts (along with tissues in case I go to a public restroom and there is no toilet paper) – yes, I know its stupid, but its just one of my many quirks.

Ghosts – Yes, I know this is another irrational fear, but I actually believe in ghosts (and not because I’ve watched too many scary movies either). I have had a ghostly experience, but I will leave that for another post.

Vomiting – I mean really, who likes to vomit anyway. It’s not too bad when you’re drunk, in fact I often feel like a new woman if I vomit whilst drunk, but when you are sober and you vomit from an actual illness, and you get that nauseous feeling where your mouth begins to water, and your jaw starts to clench – yes. That.

Running too fast on the treadmill and falling and breaking my teeth – This may sound irrational, but I run incredibly fast at the gym, and if I happen to fall and break my teeth, which would not only be humiliating, but also painful, but I would also have to go to the dentist.

Fainting – I have never fainted, so I don’t know why I fear this, but I always make sure I wear full briefs under skirts and dresses instead of g-strings, in case I ever faint, and for some reason my dress or skirt lifts up and exposes my ass. Yes, another irrational fear. But I could also break a tooth on the way down, so really, it’s a totally legitimate fear.

Snakes – I didn’t think I was afraid until an incident where I was on a hike in Topanga Canyon in Malibu where I almost got bitten by a rattlesnake. When I saw the snake, which was coiled up on the side of the hiking trail, and rattling its tail, I ran the other way, and slipped and fell (I’m actually very clumsy, and I bruised me knee good – I am my fathers daughter after all), and I was so scared that my body did a funny thing. I was crying (I cry almost every single day by the way) because I was scared shitless, but no tears were coming out of my eyes. It was like the “flight or fight” response kicked in to keep my eyes clear so I could see an impending strike from the rattlesnake. And instead of tears flowing from my eyes, they were streaming from my nose. I literally had snot everywhere. It was pouring out of my nose and all down my t-shirt like a tap. Thankfully some hikers came past and scared the snake away, and luckily I’m fit, because I sprinted the whole way back, speaking nonsense of how if I was a celebrity, I’d make my people come and “bring me a motherfucking helicopter to get me the fuck out of here”. Lol.

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “TOP TEN FEARS”

  1. You crack me up Amy!

    “…Thankfully some hikers came past and scared the snake away, and luckily I’m fit, because I sprinted the whole way back, speaking nonsense of how if I was a celebrity, I’d make my people come and “bring me a motherfucking helicopter to get me the fuck out of here”. Lol….”

    Best thing I read in a while!

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